Lonely

Oh my fucking God. I just had possibly the loneliest customer ever come in; my head still hurts from it.

He was an older man, which I later learned was 55, coming in to exchange an old DVD without his receipt. I explained that I don't have the authority to do exchanges, but he decided to stay and browse anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Cue to his checkout. I barely understood what he was saying because he softly and nervously mumbled under his breath the entire time. All I could do was awkwardly stand there and nod while I mentally strangled the Milton out of him.

I was told there would be free blowjobs

Once he was ready to purchase his "Cum Guzzlers 3", I asked to see his ID along with his credit card. Of course he left it in his car, and of course he had to get it while the store was busy. I patiently waited for him to get it, not knowing I was in for his life story. He came back with, not only his ID, but a box full of memorabilia.

Full

He proceeded to show me pictures of his illegitimate daughter, love letters, "famous" paintings he bought, his Lamborghini that he "only rides on the weekends", his junkyard dog, his grandparents, and random letters/postcards from the 1920's. He also divulged about his sister's inappropriate comments about incest in their family, how he had to literally swat the babes away when he was young (but he wasn't bragging), and how his doctor called him a rockstar for looking so good. I now know he was raised in the area and that his birthday was two days ago. This is everything I was able to understand in the hour that he was here.

Finally, I had to let the poor man know that my job description doesn't include free therapy and sent him sadly packing. He gathered his things and left quietly...oh wait, no he fucking didn't. He slowly made his way to the door while showing me more pictures. Once he made it to the exit (so close!), he came back to make sure he didn't forget anything.

Oh well, at least he didn't lose his shit about using condoms on dildos.

Fetish Friday: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Happy fucking Friday, loves! Boy did I miss Fetish Friday; so much, in fact, it hurt. And speaking of hurting:

Today's Fetish: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Phalloorchoalgolagnia, or cock and ball torture (CBT, as I'll refer to it, because fuck writing phalloorchoalgolagnia each time), is the act of abusing male genitals through squeezing, kicking, burning, biting, smacking, pulling, shocking, and other forms of torture.

I saw an example of CBT for the first time last week. One of my coworkers decided to put on some ball busting porn, and I was not disappointed. It's all recorded from a POV shot from the same guy, while he gets abused by three different women in multiple scenarios. The first sadist is an angry Asian woman who not only humiliates our enthusiastic masochist, but she repeatedly hits and kicks his genitals until they turn purple...purple! But that wasn't even the worst of it: the next lady is a German, so you know where this is going. Right off the bat, she BITES down, hard, on his shaft, leaving bite marks, while he repeatedly tell her to burst his nuts open. It gets worse, but I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

So there are a few toys that you can use in order to facilitate genital abuse. These include (Click the titles for images):

• Ball stretchers: This aid is pretty self explanatory. It's meant to stretch out your scrotum from 1-4 inches, and can be sold as metal rings or silicone sleeves. Just be careful with these, since they can cut off circulation quite easily.
• Ball crushers: Another self explanatory toy, crushers look pretty similar to the machines used for mammograms, except we don't cream ourselves over doctor visits (unless you're into that)
• Urethral Sounds: Typically used in Medical play (don't worry, we'll go over that next week), sounds consist of a metal probe, varying in width, that is meant to go up your peehole, boys. Once inside, you or your partner can use a tuning fork to strike the sound to make it vibrate.
• Parachutes: Similar to ball stretchers, parachutes have the added feature of a cute little parachute shaped leather cuff that squeezes and pulls your balls down.
• Humblers: Have you ever seen that bar that connects oxen together when pulling carts, or stocks used as punishment back in the day? That's what a humbler is, but for your balls. It essentially keeps the guy on his hands and knees, and any attempt to straighten out will not be pleasant.

So if all this talk about ball slappin' and dick munching is getting you going, there are a few places you might want to check out, such as forums, Tumblr (of course), porn sites, more porn sites, and even more porn sites.

Enjoy, please don't pop a nut, and go get your kink on!

Funny porn quotes

Hi guys! Sorry for the wait, I'm still getting used to posting again.

As I mentioned before, the new store I'm working at sells DVDs, so guess what I get to do all day. I've already mentally, and in some cases, physically,  tried out all the toys in the shop.

Eventually, I'm going to include a new section, Movie Mondays, where I'll review one of our featured masterpieces. If you're a fan of Fetish Friday and Toy Tuesday, hopefully you'll love Mondays too. As you know, I am here to please. Who knows when this section will happen though.

Until then, I've compiled a list of my favorite quotes uttered while in the throes of passion. This lusty lingo came from numerous DVDs ranging from gay porn, tickling fetish videos, and blow job bangs.

Without further ado, here they are:

• "I feel the cock. I am one with the cock."
• "You're gonna cum in my butt? You're gonna do that for me? You're an awesome dude." -One awesome dude to another awesome dude
• "You have the cutest rear end."
• "You are such a devil. You wicked thing."
• "Did you get my stromboli?" "Yeah I got your stromboli right here." *grabs crotch* (You can never go wrong with the classics. And this was followed by:)
• "That'll teach you to order only one stromboli."
• "Cock face fuck monger."
• (While sucking off a black guy and white guy at the same time) "Look, I got a face full of chocolate and vanilla." (Off screen) "How about some strawberry?"
• "Cock is better than any pork or beef I could ever eat!"
• "Let me show you how I work sausage." (What the fuck is up with all the food references?)
• "There you go, put it in your nostril."
• "If you can feel the chemistry while I'm skull fucking her, then you know I've fucked her before."
• "I heard she's British, so we should serve some tea...some tea bags." (Zing! He came up with that one by himself and everything)
• "Some people say black guys' cum tastes like chocolate, but I don't know what they're talking about because there's no chocolate coming out of a black guys dick. "
• "Gosh, I am so horny right now, it's not even funny." (Did she get that from Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver up there?)

I'm Baaaaack

Well hello, ladies and gentlemen! I am back, and boy did I miss you.

And you, big, old, inflatable cocks. I missed you too.

The last time I posted was back in July for Toy Tuesday; quite a bit has changed since then. Back in May, I stopped working at the sex shop and moved on to work solely downtown at a couple bars. At the time, I thought I was done with the blog and adult industry in general, but fear not little darlings, I'm back with a slew of new stories, advice, and general kink for your reading pleasure.

I am now at a bigger and better store, and loving every pervy minute.

Every.Pervy.Minute.

Already, I've met some interesting patrons, and I'm quickly learning the correlation between white sneakers and video arcades.

What's that? Oh, I didn't mention the video arcades? Yup. This new store has arcades. For those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, no, I don't mean video games (although that would be AWESOME), I mean booths where men come in between running errands and picking their kids up from cello lessons to watch videos and masturbate. Thankfully, I don't have to clean up after them; we have a jizzmonger who comes in and deals with that for us. However, I'm not off scott-free; I still have to clean up around the store, including the DVD section. My first day back, I was sorting through some movies while my manager was chatting with a customer, and without a thought, nonchalantly asked, "Where does the interracial porn go?"

Ahh...it's good to be back.

(Btw. For those of you wondering, the interracial porn goes next the Asian assfucking, above the Big Black Women videos)

Toy Tuesday: Harness

Hi guys! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've written. Sorry about that! Let's get right onto Toy Tuesday, shall we?

The folks at Pipedream Products were nice enough to send me one of their Fantasy Harnesses, so here goes. (This review will stick to position facilitators and restraints; it will not include strap on harnesses)

Today's Toy: Bondage Harnesses

Harnesses are a kind of restraint made for BDSM play, typically consisting of straps, ties, and/or adjustable cuffs. There are several variations of harnesses, such as swings, slings, or straps.

And don't worry lovers, these products can be used for men and women, and come in many different styles, to fulfill your every kinky need:

• Doggie Style Strap: A simple strap with, normally, a thicker center band and handles on each side for an easier grip. (Seriously, though? C'mon ladies, how hard is it to hold that ass up in the air?) My suggestion for its best use is while standing in the downward dog position.

• Sex Sling/Position Facilitator: Similar to the doggie-style strap, the sex sling is made to facilitate sexual positions. It has a simple design, consisting of ankle restraints and a simple band connecting the two.

• Standard Bondage Restraints: Standard bondage restraints serve a similar purpose as sex slings, but have a more complex design with added wrist cuffs and adjustable straps. These tend to be a little more difficult to use than the previous two models.

• Sex Swing: Remember how much fun it was to go to the playground when you were a kid and swing on the swing-set? This is the same thing, but better. It is set up exactly the same way as a standard swing with added stir-ups or handle bars so you don't fall off. Some swings come with additional straps to restrain further. Other variations are swings that hang from the ceiling, a stand, or from your doorway, as seen below.

When it comes to harnesses, take the same precautions you would with any other kind of restraints: Make sure to leave enough space for two fingers to go through the restraint, trust the person you are using these items with, and if you ever feel any numbness, remove the straps immediately.

Best thing about this equipment? You don't have to worry about their care. Just take down and store.

Difficulty to use:

Depending on the kind of harness being used, the difficulty can range greatly. Slings and doggie style straps are the easiest to use. As for harnesses with more straps and restraints, these can get pretty complicated.

Versatility: 

Although they pretty much do the same thing, there are a few variations on what kind of harness you can buy.

My Rating:

This rating will be for Pipedream's Fantasy Fetish Harness.

The product itself is very well made. The straps are very resilient, and the collar and cuffs are very comfortable. They have velcro adjustable straps, facilitating the tightness of the fit, as well as faux fur lining.  I also love the multiple rings for adjusting the positioning of restraints. Despite my favor towards the product, here's why I only gave it three and half lips as a rating:

The harness was easy enough to put on, but my boyfriend and I decided to get creative with it and added ankle cuffs to the mix...Don't do this. We attempted to try out a "hog tying" position. Not only was it awkward to fuck in, my legs went numb after a few minutes. He tried to flip me over so maybe we could try it doggy-style, but again, it was not happening. Overall, it was kind of a disaster.

I liked the harness itself, but the overall experience (or I should say, inexperience) knocked it down a rating and a half.

Boyfriend's Rating: 

On the other hand, he absolutely loved it.

For more updates on Pipedream's toys, visit their blog, Facebook page, and Twitter.