Weirdos

Hello, everyone! Another week, another paycheck. As you may or may not have realized by now, I normally don't work weekends, but since summer hours are changing, so are mine. I now work Sunday opening shifts; but don't worry, I'll keep posting every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Anyway, I opened yesterday and since I haven't worked a weekend day in a long time, I forgot how the real weirdos reserve their Sunday's for their weekly sexpeditions. I had the pleasure of encountering four of these creatures back to back.

1. To start my morning off, I had some guy in his late 30s come in and head straight for the DVD room. He spent, no joke, an entire hour voraciously looking through our porn collection; picking up movies, reading the plot summaries, putting boxes back, comparing prices, and contemplating actresses. I've haven't seen someone consider their options that much since Amanda Bynes decided between being crazy, or being crazy and haggard. Eventually, he made up his mind and finally emerged victorious with four DVDs. He came to the register with a pink jelly cyber snatch pocket pussy and movies including MILFs and hairy women. To top it off: After he paid for his goodies, he wished me a Happy Mother's Day and just walked out the door to jack it to some mommies of his own.
2. Shortly after, a dirty-ish looking youth came in looking for nothing specific, so I couldn't decide if he was homeless or not. I let him roam around the store for a bit and just followed his activity on our security cameras. The first thing he did was go straight to the lingerie section. As he sorted through everything, he giggled to himself and rocked out to Justin Timberlake's "Suit and Tie". Then, he proceeded to the bondage section to giggle and fondle boxes some more, followed by the shoe section. Here he took a little more interest, as he looked at sizes and styles, holding them up so he could examine them closely. Slowly, he made his way into the DVD room, where he really rocked out to J. Timberlake and "Teach me how to Dougie". He was moving around to the rhythm, bopping his head, and lingered on the bondage and teen sections. Sufficiently pleased with his trip to the sex shop, he casually walked out in his black t-shirt emblazoned with a bald eagle wearing an American flag shirt and straddling a motorcycle. 'Merica
3. A little later in the afternoon, a short, brown, foreign man in his 40s came in looking for a Mother's Day present. I totally believed he was gay, so I thought it was a bit creepy he was shopping here. It wasn't until I realized he was "straight" that I helped him look for presents for his wife. However, when I asked him what he was looking for, all he said was, "I don't know". I pressed a bit for details as to what direction he wanted to go or what she would be interested in and all I got was, "I don't know". I showed him our vibrators to see if maybe that would inspire them, but he just told me she already had all of them. All of them. Ok. So I suggested lingerie as a nice present for both of them, but when I asked what her size was and what kind of styles they liked, you guessed it, "I don't know". We tried bondage. "Here are some of our restraints. This package comes with a heart shaped pillow and paddle, restraints and a blindfold. Would your wife like this?" "I don't know...I don't know"....."Ok. What would like to see then?" "I don't know, you tell me". Ohmygod. I wanted to strangle him. I suggested a few other things but it was either no or he didn't know. Finally, I gave up and went back to the register so he could look through things. As he was leaving, I apologized for not being able to help him find anything. He responded with, "You should [be]". Fuck you mini-man!
4. Finally, to top my day off, a cowboy came in looking for underwear. He didn't specify for who it was, he just said he needed some underwear. He was pretty secretive about the details but said he was hanging out next door and needed it. Eventually, I got him to tell me if it was for a girl or guy, and after showing him prices, he told me what they were for...kind of. He just said he needed some comfortable underwear for a girl that worked next door who had forgotten to put her panties on. It didn't matter what they looked like as long as they were comfortable. I asked him if they were going to be seen and his response was, "Not yet". I showed him some cotton briefs with corny sayings on the back like "Hot as Fuck", "Spank me", and "Hot Ass". Despite the fact that the style didn't matter, it took him long enough to finally decide on "It's not going to lick itself". Classy.

Update: #2 just walked into the store again wearing the same exact shirt as yesterday, and a little coked out. I would like to correct my earlier mistake, the bald eagle was not wearing an American flag shirt; it was a leather jacket and an American flag helmet. My bad. Sorry.