Sex Shop Myths

Happy Thursday everyone! We're so close to the weekend!

Yesterday, although I didn't work at the sex shop, I did work downtown at my bar job. While socializing with one our customers, I mentioned my other job and suddenly his vibe towards me completely shifted. What is it about guys? As soon as they know that I work at a sex shop, they immediately assume that they're getting lucky. This is just one of the myths that my employees and I, and I'm sure many more female sex shop employees, have faced while working in this industry. So I've compiled a list of assumptions and myths about working in the sex shop industry. Sorry if I burst your bubbles.

If you girlfriend works here, she will become a freak.

I have to admit that working here has opened my mind to many new and varied sexual doors. Working at a sex shop, where you constantly help people pick out enhancements, you learn about so many toys and experiences that you soon become numb to it. Taboos are created by brushing a subject under the rug and denying healthy, open discussions about it. Because we are able to be so open about the subject, using toys we would normally be "scared" of doesn't seem like such a big deal, so we become more inclined to try new things. However, this doesn't automatically mean that if your girlfriend starts working at a sex shop she's going to start bringing home ergonomic sex swings and electric nipple clamps! Some girls that start working here already come in with a lot of sexploration experience, so new toys they try out may be a little kinkier. For other girls, stepping out of their boundaries mean trying out a cock ring or new, sexy lingerie. Sex shop workers do not always equal freaks, so don't be upset if she doesn't come home with a dual dong and a pair of Filipino twins right away.

Only sluts/strippers/prostitutes work at sex shops.

Although a great deal of strippers work at sex shops, it is not a requirement. Of course erotic dancers can benefit from working here, since they receive a discount on outfits and shoes. It is the same as someone with several dogs working at a pet hotel so they can receive discounts on daycare. However, because our industry involves sex, many customers believe that we are whores for working here. First of all, this is a retail job nothing more; we do not exchange sex for money, we do not meet with customers for paid liaisons. Just because we are selling somewhat irregular products, doesn't mean we're going to suck your dick in the back office. Secondly, just because we are open and comfortable talking about sex doesn't mean that we've been around the block and then some; it's our job! Please don't be rude because you may be insecure about our profession. Remember, we are here to help you. If you just come in for the laughs, don't be disrespectful to the workers. If a worker happens to be an stripper, she is still a person, someone with feelings and self-doubts. Even though some dancers do exchange sex for money, this doesn't allow you to dehumanize her. We don't give you shit for working at Subway or an office; return the favor.

We are hitting on your boyfriends.

We get this one a lot. Since we sell couple's aids, obviously, many couples come in to the shop. I understand that sometimes couples will resort to a sex shop if they are trying to work things out or simply to try new things. These couples, especially the women, are somewhat insecure and unsure of themselves when they come in, so they see us as a direct threat. Ladies, most women working in sex shops are in relationships, with our own insecurities and problems; we don't have time nor any interest in swooping in on your man. Again, sometimes female customers believe that we're super human freaks because we're around sex toys all day, and they project their insecurities onto us. You shouldn't be ashamed you're at a sex store. Be proud that you were mature and open enough in your relationship to come in and try new things. The only reason we are so open about the subject is to make you feel comfortable, not to impress your spouse/boyfriend.

Sex shop employees are horny all day.

This one is the funniest misconception about sex shop workers. If you work at a sandwich shop, you're not rushing to eat a sandwich afterwards, are you? If you work as a babysitter, are you dying to be with kids at the end of your day? Same goes for us. I wouldn't go so far as to say that we're turned off to sex during or at the end of a shift, but we grow accustomed to porn and toys, so it's not like we're dying for it afterwards either. Now, I imagine some women who work here have a voracious sexual appetite and do still manage to be turned on by the images at work, but I haven't met any. A perfect example of how numb we tend to get: I sort a lot of porn, a generous, copious amount of porn sometimes. During one such porn expedition, I was blasting Shania Twain (throwback anyone?) and eating while I sifted through images of girls being double fisted and getting pounded...I got nothing, not even a tingle. Honestly, after I go home, I'm happy to not see any penises for a couple hours.

We know how to help you get into the porn industry.

I had a young Mexican customer come in once asking me what the best way would be for him to break into the porn industry. He said he videotaped himself with some girls and had various samples if we were interested. He also asked if we would ever sell his videos here. I simply told him to contact any porn production company like Vivid Entertainment, because we did not sell home videos. This wasn't an isolated incident either; for some reason we get asked a lot if we know how they can get in to the porn industry. I understand that since we sell it, and we deal with the distributors, you would think that we knew a thing or two about breaking into the business. We don't. We're not agents, we don't know any directors, we don't have close relationships with the production companies; we just sell the stuff. I know as much as you do when it comes to breaking into that industry. We can't help manage your career, and no, we won't call the companies on your behalf. Use Google like everybody else.

All we think/talk about is sex.

Again, it's enough that we have to work here all day. We don't exactly take our work home with us, and if we do, it most likely won't be with you (if we're in relationships). How boring would we be if all we did was talk about sex? If you have questions about it, I'm more than happy to clear up any doubts you have, but it's not the only thing on my mind everyday.

Working at a sex shop means we must be into swinging/orgies/kinky sex.

What I wrote about us being freaks because we work here, also applies for this myth. Since you have to be pretty open minded to work in a sex shop, some employees are into that sort of thing, but it's not necessarily true for everyone. Many of us aren't into that, and although you may be thinking "Well, how do I know if I don't ask?", it's still creepy, don't do it. If you want to find people who are into group sex, go to a swingers' club. Chances are, if there are sex shop workers who are into that, they'll be there. You're welcome.

We are dying to have sex with you.

Boys, this needs to stop. Yes, we work with sex all day. Yes, we know many, if not all, the male "g-spots".  And, yes, we do know a few tricks, but if you're not our type, the shop's not going to help you become more appealing. Shocking, I know, but we don't just say yes to every penis that's thrown in our direction. We still have standards, and we still have the ability to say no, unless you decide to go the way of the Roofie.  I appreciate the courage it takes to ask someone out, but don't get all creepy and assume it's going to be easy just because I work here. I'm not saying you can't hit on us, just don't be a dick about it because of our jobs. I'll sell you an amazing product for your penis, but it doesn't mean I have to touch it. Oh, and one quick tip: Don't hit on us when you're buying some lingerie/vibrator for your girl or penis enlarging pills for yourself. That's like trying to pick girls up at Planned Parenthood ("OMG, we both have gonorrhea! We have so much in common. Let's go to dinner."). It's happened and yes, we'll laugh at you when you leave. Sorry.

We don't have lives/interests outside of the industry.

This is similar to all we think about is sex. Maybe it makes it easier for our customers to talk to us about such intimate details about their sex life if they believe that we don't exist outside of the shop, but it's not realistic. We're not magical sex fairies who only live in the crevices of seedy sex shops and come out only when you need a flogger. Most of us have lives and hobbies outside of these shops that have nothing to the sex industry. Even if you just look at the store I work at, you'll see how true this is. Tatiana and I have degrees in fashion design, Ariana is getting a degree for health and nutrition, Snowe interns as a lab assistant, and our newest girl, Cathryn, is going to school and works with me at the haunted trail during Halloween. Michelle had to leave because she just gave birth to her son, Liam, but her interests are involved in starting her new family.

So you can see, we're really not all that different. We don't all make love like porn stars, we're not nymphos, and we can't make you orgasm with telekinesis. We're not better than you because we talk about sex openly, but we're also not beneath you. We come and go, and this is just another job, albeit a very fun one. So maybe next time you talk to us, you'll connect your tongue to your brain and realize that we're not sluts or easy; we're just having fun working at a sex shop. I hope this helped clear up some myths and preconceptions about sex shop workers.

Next week, I'll write about my mom's visit to San Diego and her funny experiences visiting me at the shop. See you tomorrow for Fetish Friday!

New Section!

Hey guys! Last I checked, Sex Shop Chronicles was 161 views away from 1500! Thank you so much for reading; I'm glad you're having as much fun reading it, as I'm having writing it. As a thank you, and due to the success of Fetish Fridays, I'm going to include a new section for you: Toy Tuesdays!

Every Tuesday, I will teach you about sexual enhancing toys that are for solo, duo, or group play. I'll try to put any personal experiences, if any, I've had with the product to give you more of an accurate description and rating. However, there will be some toys that I either can not physically use, such as male toys, or choose not to (hey, even I have my limits!).

Since I won't be working tomorrow, there will be no new post until Thursday, but in the meantime, here are some of my favorite porn titles we sell in the shop:

Jack-off Jason

So, finally the time has come to talk about Jack-off Jason. If you remember, I mentioned him briefly in my previous post, Phone Calls. To my parental units: thank you for supporting the blog, but just sit this one out.

Jason was a frequent caller who, for some reason, was only interested in talking to me. The first time he called was back in October; he asked my name, what kind of store we were, our hours, and then he let me know that he was masturbating as we spoke. That first time, I hung up right away and attributed that encounter to the weirdos that frequently prank call. Somehow, I just managed to move on. I guess this only turned Jack-off on because soon his calls became more and more frequent. Same set-up, except now he would introduce himself as "Your friend, Jack-off Jason". For the first few minutes of our conversations, I would humor him and allow him to tell me some of the things he was doing, or answer his questions, but then I'd quickly find some excuse and get off the phone. Well, cue Ariana. Lovely, friendly, trouble-making, up-to-no-good, Ariana.

One Friday night, my dear friend and I were working a shift together, and Jason called. Ariana answered the phone because I recognized the number and didn't want to talk to him. So what does she do? She answers and lets him know that I am there and standing right next to her. Of course I had to talk to him, but when I  handed him back over to Ariana, she continued the conversation and then handed him back to me. At this point, I knew I had to wrap the conversation up, so she and I did what any normal, responsible employees would do: we encouraged his advances over the phone.
I don't remember how long the conversation actually went on, but it was enough to talk about what he was doing, where he was from, what his hobbies and fetishes were; all while this guy masturbated on the other end. He kept the flattery going by telling Ariana and I what beautiful women we were and what he would do to us if he were there. How could he possibly know what we look like? He found us on Facebook of course! I never gave this guy my full name, and my last names are not common. He went to my shop's Facebook page and then searched through all the "likes" to find an Annette, and then found Ariana as my friend. Now he knows our faces...and where we live...and work...and what we do on our time off. However, he somehow, in some strange, I-masturbate-to-your-pictures kind of way, managed to be funny and charming...It had to be the compliments.
Well, now he knows our faces but we didn't know his, so we thought it was only fair for us to see a picture or video of him. He asked if he could send us a video of him masturbating and Ariana said of course. I kid you not, this is what the video consisted of:
Jack-off Jason is sitting on a couch with a very large, very erect penis, and stroking vigorously. He's pretty built but it doesn't show his face at all. Once he's done, we think the video's over, but oh no. Where's the fun in that? A woman's hands come in to view and wipe the spunk away, and it's when the camera zooms away that we see everything. A chubby, pale, red-headed woman with glasses and reindeer antlers is the one cleaning him off. She smiles, waves, says something inaudible to the camera, and then continues to giggle and clean our Jack-off friend clean. After the initial shock of not only there being a camera-person video taping this and a woman to clean him off, but then you realize Jason is sitting naked on a couch during what seems like a Christmas party. There are people walking around in the background and drinking from red Solo cups. To top it off, I'm pretty sure this video was taken in the 90's just by looking at the quality of video.
After watching the video about ten times, we still couldn't figure out anything so we decided to let it go and bid a fond farewell before moving it to the trash folder. By now, Jason was no longer on the phone (I think his dick would have burnt to ashes if he kept rubbing it), but remember, he did find us on Facebook. He began a chat with Ariana since she was the one logged in. He had made a Facebook profile just to chat with us. Since he didn't have a profile picture, we asked him to send us a picture of his face again. He said this could only happen if we sent him a video of us masturbating to his video; needless to say, no picture of Jack-off Jason. Then, he asked us if we would become his lovers, not girlfriends. He offered to take us to the best swingers clubs and buy us the best life had to offer. He said he was sorry, but he wasn't looking for anything serious like a relationship, breaking our hearts in the process. After politely declining, and what seemed like 2 hours of interaction with the Lothario, we decided it was time to end the conversation.
I guess he kept sending Ariana advances through Facebook (which she deserves) for the next couple of days. I told her to let him know that the more he pushed us to join him, the more of a turn-off he was. Finally, after repeatedly rebuffing his attempts, the defeated Casanova and hand-job enthusiast left us with one last gem:
"Before I go, I just need to know. What was the turn off? The hot body, the huge penis or the amazing personality?"

You were just too much man for us Jason.

Fetish Friday: Capnolagnia

So yesterday I posted on Facebook asking my friends if there were any questions or themes they would like to ask about. One of my friends mentioned that he was recently into women who masturbate while smoking. There actually is a name for this, and although I was going to write about this fetish at a later date, the timing seems perfect. His example is a little specific but there is a name for the broader concept.

Today's Fetish: Capnolagnia

Capnolagnia is the sexual attraction to a person smoking; its roots are varied. Many people with this fetish can pinpoint exactly when the attraction started, some claiming as early as during childhood, and can be caused by personal experiences, relatives, or the media. Reasons for the attraction can include watching a pure, innocent youth engaging in the taboo act, it represents a person who is confident and worldly, or symbolizes ideals of masculinity.

This fetish is found mostly in heterosexual males who are aroused by the relation to fellatio, women flaunting a masculine side, or simply causing damage to themselves. Because of the self destructive nature of the habit, Capnolagnia can be found within several BDSM (Bondage-Discipline/Dominant-Sadism-Masochism) circles. Some homosexual men and heterosexual women have faulted their smoking fetish to the desire of seeing men perform the epitome of a masculine tradition that is smoking.

Many sub-interests for Capnolagnia fetishists vary greatly, as this fetish allows great range in fantasies. Some of these include:

• Whether the smoker is really smoking or faking it
• The length of the cigarette
• Type of smoking apparatus (cigar, cigarette, joint, pipe, hookah, etc.)
• Location of cigarette fabrication (domestic or foreign)
• The lack or creation of smoke rings
• The color of the cigarette
• The smell
• The way it is lit (lighter vs. matches)
• The type of ashtray used
• Inhaling vs. Exhaling
• Brand
• Actions or activities of the smoker during the activity

Sexualized images of smoking had a rise in popularity during the 40s and 50s in American culture, but can be seen exploited around the world today. Fashion brands, such as Chanel, Vogue and Valentino, show ads in which several of their models are smoking, and some designers include models smoking on the runway. Mad Men, based in the 60s has made smoking glamorous again, and in Heart Breakers, Gene Hackman plays a multi-millionaire with Capnolagnia.

Though I don't endorse smoking at all and I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke, technically you are not hurting anyone, so I don't have anything against this fetish. I understand the sex appeal in smoking; for me it's about the vintage glamour of the act. You probably won't see me picking up a cigarette any time soon, but for those of you who like it, go get your kink on! I'll just sit this one out.

If you would like to meet other Capnolagnia-enthusiasts go here. And for more images click here.

Condom Debacle

I just had the most infuriating customer ever.

A small, pale mousy, forget-able little thing of a woman, who just left, came in to buy a vibrator. I told her that we are currently very limited on selection right now, but I would help her look for something among the choices we have. I took her to the toy room and showed her our line of Real Feel vibrators. As she looked at them, I explained how to use them properly and how to prolong usage. I told her, as I do every customer, that the best way to get the most years out of her toy was to put a condom on it. This recommendation is only used on toys made from porous materials, because the repetitive cleaning and sanitation process sometimes wears the material out and shortens the life span. I was not telling this woman she had to put on the condom, I was just giving her tips. Apparently, a chord was struck, because the entire time she looked at the models, she pressed on about the condom.

"Why the condom?"

"Can the toy get wet?"

"This says it's waterproof."

"Well, if it's waterproof, why do I have to use a condom?"

On and on about the condom.

I had to stop her rambling to remind her that it was not a rule of thumb; I wasn't going to forbid her from purchasing a toy if she didn't put on a condom. It wouldn't run away from her screaming. I was just trying to help. Then she asked the cleaning process five thousand times, and then finally settled on a six inch g-spot vibrator. "Will a condom fit on this?" Finally, I herded her to the register to finally ring her up.

Time to try out the toy to make sure it's working. She asked to do it herself, so I gave her the cock and explained how to put the battery in it. She asked to add batteries to her purchase, and I did. Then, once the toy worked, I asked her to give the battery back as it is our tester battery. Well, she nearly slapped me for asking. I suggested switching her new battery for my tester battery, and then made the idiotic mistake of making one last suggestion: Do not store you toy with the battery in it, because if left in too long with it, the acid could leak out and damage the vibrator. Again, it's just another tip to prolong the product. Now, she was just over the edge.

"Why can't I store it with the battery?"

"What happens to the battery?"

"So what do I do with the battery?"

All of this in a soft, mousy, unbearable, little tone of voice and looking at me like I'm the idiot. I wanted to shove the toy, condom, and batteries into her, I just couldn't decide which end to go through.

End rant

Interesting People

So today I have a meeting with an event production company about a possible collaboration for a "Valentine's Day Event with Jenna Jameson". I don't know if it will actually be held by Jenna Jameson, but here's hoping.

For those of you who don't know who Jenna Jameson is, she is an entrepreneur who started her career as a porn star. After a wildly successful career, she became one of the first porn stars to cross over into mainstream media, including movies and a book. She also went on to create a million dollar empire in the sex industry, as well as a production company for her videos. Jenna paved the way for future stars such as Stormy Daniels, Sasha Grey, and many other female stars in the industry.

But, back to my meeting, I don't know exactly what this event will entail, but if I do actually get to meet Ms. Jenna Jameson, I will let you all know for sure :) Until then, I decided to share with you some other interesting people I have met in the store; some well known, and others, not so much. Some are in the sex industry and some could not be further from it, but here they are:

• One of the perks of my job is I get to meet distributors from a lot of companies we buy supplies from, and they often come bearing freebies. I've been able to meet representatives from Leg Avenue, Pipedream, Doc Johnson, Wet Lubricants, and many others. I'll get more in depth at the perks of the job in a later post, but I've been hooked up with lubes, lingerie, stimulants, and condoms galore. I've also been able to spread the wealth with my friends, providing them with lubes and high end toys. I love meeting with these representatives because it keeps me in the loop with all the new things coming out and how to use them. Definitely one of my favorite parts of the job.
• Although I haven't met Jenna Jameson yet, I have met one popular lady in the porn industry, Whitney Wonders. This chick was hilarious. She came in because she had already come by earlier and bought a toy that just wasn't up to par. She has had her share of toy research, so she should know. She brought back a remote controlled bullet that just wasn't vibrating hard enough, and what should have been a simple return and exchange transaction, became a one hour monologue of her life so far. She told me everything, from how she got into porn, to the freakiest, kinkiest shit she's had to do while on or off camera. Presently, the reason why she was buying a toy was she was going up to Los Angeles to meet up with a hook-up, and she was a little stressed out. She explained that she was married, but she and her husband had an agreement that while away, they're allowed to play. She was upset because her husband was somewhere in Europe, on a plane, when he met the most gorgeous brunette. Tall, tan, green eyes, and a tight body, she was his fantasy woman. They went back to her hotel to, get to know each other better, and he Skyped Whitney so she could meet the young lady. Now Whitney was not mad because her husband was with a much younger model; no, she was upset because she wasn't there to share the wealth. So now, poor porn star had to call her hook up all the way in LA get some sexual frustration out and just stopped by San Diego to get some supplies. Ah, the poor, stressful life of a porn star.
• Now, this next guy has nothing to do with the sex industry. A few blocks away from my work, there is a Hare Krishna temple. I often see them walking up and down by the beach, preaching or just spreading messages of love and joy. One fellow in particular loves to come by the shop and say hello. It first started when he stopped by to give me some free reading material and then suddenly realized where he was. He immediately left embarrassed  but soon was back every couple of weeks just to visit. Every time he comes in he lets me know that he is celibate and that sex would be his undoing; nothing good can come from it and he has been celibate for a year or so. He also says that he loves the gift bags we have at the front of the store because they have topless or nude men. He explains that although he is not gay, he likes them because naked women tempt him, but naked men don't so he can just stare at them all day and nothing happens. And he does. He comes in and stares at the bags before leaving. He's quirky and little weird, but a pretty nice guy. Actually, as I write this, there is a Hare Krishna outside my door right now giving some of his literature now. These guys get around.
• This next person was actually pretty awesome and awful at the same time. When I first moved here, my boyfriend introduced me to a radio show on Rock 105.3. It's now called The Show and it's a morning talk show where the jockeys discuss current events around the world and their personal lives. I am addicted to it, or at least was when I had a car and radio. Well, my favorite character on the show is Ashlee; she is just hilarious and the youngest one in the group, so she's the most relate-able. I guess it was one of her girlfriends' birthday, because she stopped in to buy some party favors. She was so nice when I recognized her (her voice is definitely one of a kind) and I was kind of nervous when I rung her up, so I guess I over-charged her. I didn't realize this until later, when I was off the clock and the assistant manager, Snowe, called me and let me know that Ashlee was there crying at the counter. I guess her day was super stressful and everything was going wrong and the over-charge was just the last straw. I felt horrible, but luckily Snowe said she was nice about it and she was able to refund the money. I did feel like crap though because I had a part in ruining her day. I hope she didn't talk shit about me on The Show.

Oh well, hopefully I don't cause Jenna to choke on her food or something at the Valentine's Day Event. See you tomorrow for Fetish Friday!

Outside of Work

Hi guys! Sorry I've been so naughty when it comes to updating you daily with my work here at the sex shop. Yesterday, I was terribly sick and didn't even make it in to work; however, I do have a story for you from this weekend. I started a new part-time job a few weeks ago at a bar in Downtown San Diego as a street team girl. Essentially, my job is to stand on a corner and offer free cover to unsuspecting party-goers. Well, on Friday, at the sex shop, I had a man come in and exchange a vibrator he bought for his wife or girlfriend for a new one. Later that night, when I went to work at the bar, I saw this man again with his loved one waiting to cross the street. I wanted to ask if the new toy was up to par, but stopped myself. What if this wasn't the woman he was talking about? What if he was embarrassed? So I just let it go. You would think that this would be awkward or that it doesn't happen often, but this happens to me all the time. I run into my clients out and around my work's neighborhood or in random places like Downtown San Diego. These are some of my encounters:

• My first encounter with a customer outside of work was when I went to the bank to cash a paycheck. Standing two people in front of me, there was a man that I had sold a butt plug to a couple days earlier. He didn't notice me, but I'm sure if he did, the bank line would have been the least of his worries.
• Another customer I see all the time is a goth teen, who skulks around the neighborhood either by himself or with one of his friends. He is very nice but grumpy looking, as all goths are. He came in once to buy a pocket pussy for his friend. Not any pocket pussy, an 8 lb mold of a woman from her belly button to her top thigh with a pussy and asshole. Now whenever I see him, I just wonder if he and his friend Eiffel tower the poor girl in some demented game of sex twister. I can't help it.
• Close to my shop is a nail salon with the sweetest, most efficient nail technicians around; the kind that don't talk shit about you in Vietnamese. Well, now I know that one of these sweet, demure nail technicians like heating lubricant when having sex with their husband. I wonder if she ever takes some of those heating lamps home with her as well.
• Last weekend I ran into another customer Downtown. I would call him a regular, except he doesn't really come in to buy anything, he just accompanies his friend to apply for a job every time. Although, during his first visit he did come in for some supplies. He was looking for some lubricant that would work for anal. I'm not going to lie, he's a douche bag  very rude and pretentious, but I've become used to that lot where I work. I recognized him and his friend Downtown when they bar hopping and said hi. His group was friendly, but he was just not having it. At one point, he mentioned that my phone (essentially a burner phone. No internet, no camera. First world problems, right?) was "the trashiest thing [he] had ever seen". This, coming from a guy who "uses spit" as anal lubricant because "if a girl's worth it, she can take it". The only reason I didn't put him on blast was because I am so nice, but in all honesty folks, here's some advice: You don't fuck with the people that make your food right? Same goes for the people that handle your dongs and know what size condom you use. Be nice to your sex shop workers.
• Lastly, but definitely not least, are my friends. One of the perks of working at a sex shop is I get to help my friends with any relationship or sex issues they may have. I love that they feel comfortable enough to come to me with their questions and issues and I try to help them the best way I can. I definitely won't name names, but I have helped one of my friends introduce bondage to his girlfriend with furry cuffs, helped another friend (who had no idea I worked here) choose the right dildo, and know that one of my previous models (I'm a fashion designer as well) loves candle wax. I know what aids they use with their partners, what lingerie they use, what fetishes their boyfriends have and, thankfully, so far none of them head for the hills when I come around. 

I love whenever I run into people outside of work, because they are either very confused and a bit nervous when they recognize me (especially when they are out with a large group of friends), or they completely ignore that I am even there. Maybe if they ignore me hard enough, I'll disappear.

Listen, I know it's something incredibly private, and most people open up to me about their sex lives because they think I don't exist outside of the shop, but I am a professional. I see everything and have heard some incredible stories. I don't judge; whatever floats your boat. If that turns you on and doesn't hurt any unwilling partners, then go for it! This is why I don't mention names and don't tell you exactly where I work, so people aren't too intimidated into coming. You don't have to ignore me or run for the hills if you see me shopping at Sprouts. I already know you use finger vibrators on your wife, buddy! Don't hide behind the produce!

So what if you buy extra small penis pumps? What's the worst that could happen? You end up on a blog? ...Oh. Wait... Muahaha

Fetish Friday: Agalmatophilia

Happy Friday everyone! Since there are so many paths you can take in the world of kink, I was a little stumped on what fetish to write about today. However, a couple nights ago, I watched My Strange Addiction. The most interesting character by far is Davecat, an agalmatophiliac who has lived with his silicone partner, Sidore, for over a decade. This inspired me to write about his world in today's post.

Today's Fetish: Agalmatophilia

Agalmatophilia consists of a sexual attraction to life-like humanoid replicas, such as mannequins, statues and/or dolls. It is a sub-category of objectophilia, which is the sexual attraction to inanimate objects (but that's a subject for another day). These fetishists can be aroused either by making love to the objects or by becoming the object themselves, which leads to many dressing like rubber/latex dolls.

Pygmalionism is considered a branch of Agalmatophilia, which is when artists fall in love with their creation (most common: a statue). This sub-fetish gets its name from the Greek artist Pygmalion. Other extensions include Robot and doll fetishes (I'll also talk about them another day).

Agalmatophilia is actually quite a popular fetish, with exposure ranging from television, movies, internet celebrities, and even Greek mythology as mentioned above. Its history is vast, and there is a plethora of information on this subject, which made it very fun for me to research. This is one of a handful of fetishes that has made it into mainstream media.

Agalmatophilia in film:

• L'Age d'Or: A French surreal film written by Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dalí, in which a woman takes out her sexual frustrations on a statue by sucking on a statue's toe.
• The Cell: In this 2000 film, Jennifer Lopez plays a child psychologist that goes deep into the mind of a degenerate serial killer to find his next victim. After murdering his victims, he bleaches their hair and skin in order to make them look like dolls, then masturbates to them hanging on racks. There is also a scene in which Lopez's character visits the killer's torture chamber, while in his mind, and finds a gallery of women tied in bondage, where they move and contort like broken dolls. The Cell is actually really interesting; one of my favorite films if only for its imagery. If you get the chance, definitely watch it.
• The Ten: This movie takes a look at the ten commandments in a fresh and funny way. During "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Winona Ryder's character falls in love and has sex with a ventriloquist dummy during her honeymoon.
• Mannequin: Mannequin debuted no. 1 at the box office in 1987 when it opened; now it's a cult classic. Kim Cattrall stars in this flick as a mannequin whose creator falls desperately in love with her before they run off and live happily ever after. A perfect example of Pygmalionism as well.
• Lars and the Real Girl: The most recent film to come out on this subject, Lars and the Real Girl, tells the story of Lars and his "RealDoll" partner Bianca. In the end, Lars chooses to fall in love with an Organik (the term Agalmatophiliacs give to living partners), but Bianca served as a faithful companion during most of the film.

Agalmatophilia in television:

• My Strange Addiction: This show documents the strange secret, or not so secret, obsessions and lives of people. As I mentioned above, Davecat lives with his partner of over a decade, Sidore, and their newest partner, Elena.
• Nip/Tuck: In season 2, during one of Sean and Julia's many break-ups, Sean is drunk, lonely and in the possession of Kimber's LoveDoll. The show is pretty graphic and it shows Sean having sex with the doll. However, you may argue if this is Agalmatophilia since he envisions Kimber during the entire tryst.

Agalmatophilia in other media:

• Comedy website, cracked.com, writes about how this fetish is quickly taking over.
• KotaKoti and Valeria Lukyanova have achieved international fame by looking like living dolls.
• Pipedream Products has an entire collection of blow-up dolls ready for the picking. And yes, we carry all of them in the store. Just-in Beaver is my favorite.

So that pretty much wraps it up for Agalmatophilia folks; I warned you there was a lot of info on it! Now, for those of you who think that this fetish is only for the Forever Alone:

Even though nothing beats the real thing, wouldn't you like to have sex with someone, just once, without having to cuddle with or force small talk afterwards? You just get in, get off and get out.

For those of you who are curious as to where you could get one of these silicone señoritas just visit their website. Admit it, you're curious. I won't say anything.

Now go get your kink on!

Victoria Secret's Alina Puscau in Playboy Magazine

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/agalmatophilia

Scary Bums

Bums aren't all fun and games. Sometimes, I do have a lot of scary uncomfortable encounters with vagrants that I would prefer not to have. Here are two instances of that:

1. I used to open the shop early. I would get in at 10:30, have everything ready and open at 10:45. This was back when my boss was never at work which is very frustrating, but whatever. I would be alone in the morning, it shouldn't be too bad. One morning, after I opened a tall imposing guy about my age came in and went straight for the DVD room. We have security cameras everywhere and I can see them from where I sit. As I look up into the cameras, I see this guy stuff a magazine pack down his pants. I confronted him about it and although he tried to fool and lie to me, I told him I caught him red-handed. He would either have to hand me the magazine or I would call the cops. He got upset, gave me the magazine but took a couple steps toward me in an aggressive way and I got the hell out of the DVD room. As he was leaving, I called the cops right away. Nothing could be done since he left. For the next week, he stalked the store, would check to see when I was working, and was finally caught. He had several of our DVDs in his jacket pockets. The cops took him away for a while but he was never charged because our cameras didn't record him stealing anything. So, for a while I was very scared that this guy would come back and do something out of anger. Thankfully, he hasn't come back for a while.
2. Another guy that comes in often is a man named Steve. He seemed very shy and polite when he first started coming in, but now he just makes me incredibly nervous. All he talks about is how older women adore him and want to fuck him, recessive and dominant genes in Mexicans, and how he knows Slayer and would have joined the band, but they weren't ready for him. The ramblings just used to be annoying, but now he stalks me every time at work, and I found out that he lives right by Ariana. She told me he has been to jail for something violence-related and that he has been aggressive towards her and her brothers. So for now I just always act like I'm extremely busy with work any time he comes in. Hopefully he'll take a hint and move on.

But enough about depressing posts. Hopefully you get to read my funnier post about my encounters with bums here. :)

Funny Bums

Good Morning! I went on a little hiatus since my mom is in town, but I'm back at work and back on the blog. Today, my mom decided it would be fun to come to work with me today so she can experience the glamour that is working at a sex shop. However, she went to get some food at a nearby McDonald's and got to meet some of our neighborhood's finest. At McDonald's, she met a nice vagrant that asked her to watch his luggage. She, being Costa Rican and incapable of being impolite, agreed, not knowing that that in bum speak that means "We are now best friends". After he came back, he thanked her by engaging her in small talk, but she was quickly rescued by her husband calling on Skype. While skyping, she thought this would let the man know that their interaction was over. But no, beach bums are a restless, friendly kind of people. What does he do? He joined in the conversation by poking his head in the background and waving to my unsuspecting stepdad. Needless to say, she finally got a taste of the joyous experience I have everyday. So here are the top six bum stories of today. Some are locals, some are just so insane they had to make the list. I give you, sex shop bums:

1. The first on our list is a guy who is no longer allowed in the store. He was a regular back when I worked nights. He was deaf and partially blind due to a surfing accident 7 years back; he was also mildly mentally challenged. He would come in at random times of the night, reeking of cigarette smoke and spend hours (literally, hours) in the DVD room. He was nice for the most part and I liked talking to him for a couple minutes while I rang him up, but soon grew weary of him since he would stand at the register for 15-20 just talking to me. Why was he banned from our store? He liked to yell out profanities at the customers. And by the way, he did not have Tourette Syndrome, he just loved to yell out. Such gems include:
• "I like nipples!!"
• "Pussy tastes good!"
• "I love finger fucking!"
• "Nice Ass!"
• "Tits! HAHAHAHA!
2. This gentleman, is the kindest, most engaging vagrant on this list. This is a man who fell on hard times, was an alcoholic, unfortunately lost his family and decided to live on the street. He has been sober for a while now and stops by on his way to the gym almost every morning, although his visits have been less frequent lately. He calls himself "the sexy tan man with a plan". He loves to work out, eat healthy and drink protein shakes, which leads to him being very, very fit. He lives on the beach, so he is very tan and has a white mohawk. Every morning, he would come in and tell me what he was having for lunch that day and what his plans were. He loves women. Like seriously LOVES them. During his visits he talks about how women are goddesses and how they should be treated as such; they are perfect in every way and he loves to worship them as he makes love to them. Guess who he decided is worthy of his worshiping? Ariana. He loves her. Every time he comes in, he asks for her and is genuinely disappointing when she's not working. He stops and talks to her about his family and he has gone through his son's Facebook with her. In short, Ariana has a fan.
3. This guy comes in maybe three times a month for DVDs. He doesn't buy them, he doesn't steal them; he just likes to look at the covers. He will spend hours in there just looking at covers and pining for the actresses. He comes in with a massive duffle-bag every time and just leaves it on the counter. At first, I seriously thought he came in to steal, but he just really likes looking at porn covers. I also thought that he was confined to the immediate beach area, but when I was shopping with a friend in Mission Valley, he came into Spencer's. Just my luck, he recognized me. I don't feel awkward often, but that definitely made my list, and he made this one.
4. This gem wasn't a regular, but she made it on my list anyway. I was minding my own business, working at the register, when this crazy older lady stopped right in front of my door and just angrily stared me down. She was dressed in rags and was holding a cup of water. I was helping out a customer so I paid no attention to her crazy-ass, as I am well used to crazy bums that walk by and through my door. Seeing she had no effect on me, she proceeded to slur at me, call me a slut and a whore, and then threw water at me. Luckily, it only hit the floor, but I had to chase her out of the store. Thankfully, she never came back.
5. Then, there was another woman who would come in, high on meth of heroine and ask to use our phone. We are not allowed to do this but as a favor to her so she could get a ride, I believe Ariana lent it to her. She spent 10 minutes on the phone talking about anything but a ride. Then she asked if she could take the phone to the bar next door. The next time she came in, she asked me the same thing. I told her that she could make one quick phone call and that was it. After she kept abusing her non-existent priviledges, I told the girls to not let her use it anymore. Well, she came in when poor Michelle was working and asked to use the phone again. After Michelle told her she wasn't allowed to lend out the phone anymore, the woman told Michelle where she could shove the phone, that she was going to hell and that she was going to bomb the store and everyone in it. Meth. Not even once.
6. Speaking of meth, this bum has to be the funniest one. He would come in, freshly picked scabs and all, and use our store computer kiosk to check his Facebook. At first, I didn't have an issue with this, but soon he started to come in just to use our computer and then would utter belligerent comments and rants to our customers. I had to ban him, but he did not take this lightly. Every night around the end of my shift he would stand right outside the door and would say the dumbest things to draw attention to himself. "I'm addicted to masturbating!" "It's your fault, why do you sell this stuff?" "Can I have a pocket pussy? All I can think about is jackin' off". The last thing he said to me before I threatened him with the cops for the last time was "Do you have any steroids for my dick?" Of course Ariana found this very entertaining, since she revels in my random bum misfortunes. After I shooed him away from the door, he stood outside the window display and stared a customer down until she left. Just randomly, he had no issue with this woman, he just likes to harass people. And he always finds me. Always....Always.

Sorting

Good Morning everyone! I hope you all had a relaxing and wonderful weekend. No funny story today kids, sorry! Too busy sorting out malfunctioning and defected toys. However, not even an easy and routine task as this should be boring. Here are some of the reasons for return to sender:

• Does not vibrate (Vibrators...duh)
• Silicone shaft is torn (Real Feel vibrators)
• Missing sample lubricant and toy cleaner (Pocket pussy)
• Stuck shut; will not release open (Heavy duty handcuffs)
• Small crack at bottom of shaft (Hand-Blown glass dildo)
• Missing left penis ("Pecker Bopper" See picture below)
• Does not light up/Center penis is broken (Princess pecker tiara)

A Pecker Bopper in its natural habitat

Fetish Friday: Hierophilia

Well look-y here. I guess I had to make up for slacking on Tuesday. I just realized it's Fetish Friday! My favorite day :)

Today's Fetish: Hierophilia

Hey, if we're going to talk about freaky shit, we might as well get blasphemous. Hierophilia, also referred to as theophilia, is the sexual attraction to religious and sacred objects. Now, this is not a commonly discussed fetish, so finding information on it is very limited. I was not able to find any information on whether this is limited to Christian/Catholic idols/symbols, but from what I have found, it seems so.

Hierophiliacs are aroused by images displayed in churches or scenes depicted in the Bible, and fantasize about having sex with crosses, rosary beads, saints, Jesus, God, and sometimes even clergymen.

The reasons behind this fetish vary:

• The naughty element of doing something taboo or forbidden. These fetishists normally stick to role-play. Nun and priest costumes are commonly used.
• People with severe disdain for the Church. These fetishists get off by extreme blasphemy and receive pleasure in knowing they are desecrating something sacred. Costumes, crosses and rosary beads are popular toy choices for this lot.
• Extremists and fanatics. These people are so devout to their religion, that their fanaticism manifests into sexual desire for an idol and religious objects. Vibrators and butt plugs with the image of Jesus are commonly used.

So next time you see that crazy Church Lady getting a little too excited during Mass, you'll wonder whether Jesus is touching her faith or something else a little more "inspirational". ;)

Now go get your kink on! Amen.

Baby Jesus Butt plug

For those of you who worship Cthulhu

Orgy

I think I just had my favorite phone call so far. It started off as usual with a man calling in looking for a product. He just got into the stripping industry and was looking to see if we carried thongs. I let him know about our options and this is pretty much how that went (This is a pretty long post, but hopefully easy to read):

"We carry basic silk thongs in red, blue, black, and white. And we also have novelty thongs."

"How are those?"

"They come with things like zippers, magnifying glasses, animal faces, camo print, tuxedo looks, etc"

"That sounds fun. When I go to a house and strip I can pull that out, and it'd be fun right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And then I can take them off and just be naked."

"Ok"

"That'd be fun right?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Do they fit a large?"

"I mean, they're one size fits all but they should fit a large"

"Well, I'm fourteen inches when erect."
"Well..."
"Fourteen inches."

"Ok...well, they should definitely fit you."

"Great. Do you know anyone who would be interested in a dance?"

"No, but you can leave business cards here."
"Should I leave naked pictures too?"
"Business cards are fine."

"Cool. Ok. So...I'm going to an orgy this weekend; do you have any toys that you recommend?"

"Well, you could use..."

"There are going to be seven of us."

"There's anal beads..."

"Guys and girls. We're all going to be fucking each other."

"Ok. Well, there are anal beads, vibrators, clit stimulators..."

"Us guys are going to fuck each other."

"I'm going to definitely recommend condoms, especially if there are seven of you."

"Ten"

"Ok, ten of you. More reason to cover up"

"Well, I'm sure everyone's clean so I don't mind if the guys go natural. I've never done anal before. It should be fun."

"Yup."

"So are you married? Single?"

"I'm married."

"Oh!"

"Would you guys be down?"

"What? Ohhh, noooo. No, thank you. I'm good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeahhh. We tried the whole group thing, not for us."

"How many people did you try it with? Was it a threesome?"

"Yeah."

"Two girls or two guys?"

"Two girls."

"Alright. Well you sound awesome."

"Thanks."

"Do you have any friends that might be interested?"

"Noo, sorry."

"Ok, well have a great day. Maybe I'll be in the store later to buy some stuff."

"Ook. Have a nice day."

My job is ridiculous.

Btw, as I was writing this, the UPS man came in and told me about a drug raid that happened next to my store on Tuesday. I guess they arrested a meth head next to the shop. There were sirens, K-9 units, armed cops being sneaky, and I was not aware of any of it. 

Aaah, the glamorous life of a sex shop worker.

Have a good day guys!

My mustache tastes like pussy

A friend of mine came to visit me a couple days ago and told me this. So, here are six funny questions/comments my customers have said at the register:

• "Do you have any penis straws that aren't....black?"
• "So if I buy six blow up dolls or more, can I get a discount?"
• "Do you have anything that vibrates harder than this toy? I want something that'll numb it down there."
• "So what would happen if I took two erection pills at the same time?"
• "Do you have the number of any hookers here?"
• "I should have known that I would need to start using Ben Wa balls when my third kid just walked out of there."

And to wrap up, here are some porn titles for all you inter-racial lovers:

Phone Calls2

Hi everyone! Sorry about the hiatus yesterday! Today, I want to continue talking about weird phone calls I get at the shop. The perfect example presented itself yesterday. A guy called asking for a "Clone-A-Willy". He said his girlfriend was a "sweetheart", they had been with each other for a while and he was going to be deployed so wanted to get her something nice. Once I explained what the Clone-a-Willy was and how to use it, he proceeded to ask "how long does this take? It sounds difficult. I don't want anything too difficult. I don't have a G.E.D. so I'm not too smart". All I said was it comes with a plaster that he was to add water to then insert his erect penis into for a few minutes. I guess that was too complicated. Whatever. He hung up. 20 minutes later I get another phone call from a "woman" with a very high pitched voice, unnaturally so. This woman asked me if we sold any molds for vaginas because she and her boyfriend who was a "sweetheart" had been together for a while, but now she was about to be deployed for a while and wanted to leave him something. Sound familiar? I asked if this was the same guy who called earlier asking for the same thing and of course she shrieked and cried "What? Of course not!"

So here are two other weird calls:

• This one is actually not a specific call, but ones we receive almost daily. We constantly get asked if we have live models. The first time I got asked, I couldn't understand what they were looking for. I thought they meant live models for art classes, then I realized they meant sex phone operators or prostitutes. No, we don't have live models.
• I received this call on Monday. A woman with a thick, thick country accent called in asking about a lubricant we carry. It took me a couple minutes to understand what she was saying at all and had to ask her to repeat herself numerous times, but I eventually got what she needed. Apparently, she bought a lubricant and did not like the texture and wanted to know what we could do for her. After explaining to her we do not take refunds, I told her that she should call the company that makes the lube to inform them the product is not satisfactory. She said she didn't want to do that and she just wanted to work through us specifically, so I finally told her we would trade her lubricant for store credit. Well, after the frustration of trying to explain something to a customer who refused to listen and her thick accent, I learned that she didn't even buy the lubricant at our store and didn't even live in the state.

How these people find me, I have no idea.

Phone Calls

Today, I had a man call earlier with questions regarding penis pumps. Pretty standard. Until he began to mention how he had accomplished as much as he could with regular pumps; he needed to switch to the big boys. He let me know that he was able to pump up to 9 inches with his current pumps, but was looking for something to take it up to 12 or 13 inches. He also wanted to know if it was possible to pump literally all day, or if he had to stop after 30 minutes. I had to let this man know that at that point he needed to consult his physician and that he was in danger of popping a blood vessel in his penis if he kept pumping away.

So today, let's talk about strange/interesting phone calls I've had in the past:

• Definitely the more engaging of my phone calls, was a man who unfortunately doesn't call anymore; apparently, he was a regular right around the time I got hired. This man would call in every few weeks and ask the same questions about circumcision. Nothing perverted or sexual, he just really wanted to know about our opinions on circumcisions. He told me his wife was pregnant with his child and they were trying to decide if they should circumcise the child or not. He asked me what my opinion was from a medical, social, religious, and sexual stand point, and then after 20 minutes on this subject asked me what I would name his child. I guess his wife had the baby because he stopped calling after that.
• So, I've received strange prank/sex calls at other jobs before, but this was by far the most bizarre (maybe warranted for a mention in Fetish Fridays). During a morning shift, I received a call from a strange man with a breathy voice asking about things in the store. Soon enough, he started asking if I liked milk. That evolved into what kind of milk did I like? Chocolate? Is it hot or cold chocolate? Do you drink it fast or slow? Would you bathe in it? After "would you bathe in it?", and the sounds of this guy grunting, I had to hang up. I don't like milk to begin with, but I don't think I will be drinking it anytime soon either after that.
• Another phone call that started off normally was in June during a night shift. A young man called  asking about toys he could use to spice up his life with his girlfriend. The conversation was normal enough, and when he mentioned he had friends in the aviation industry, I mentioned my boyfriend was studying to be in the field. After that, again the conversation inexplicably started heating up and became one sided. "So, your boyfriend sounds awesome and you sound amazing. Have you ever tried anything in the store with him? What's your favorite thing to use? You guys sound amazing. You have such a sexy voice. I bet you are an amazing fuck. Have you ever thought about being in a threesome? My girlfriend would love you." Remember, this is a phone call; I have never met this guy in person. After I told him my boyfriend would not appreciate me in a threesome, the chivalrous caller invited him into the party as well promising we would have "so much fun together". After that, I had to hang up; it was too funny and creepy to continue in the conversation. And if you wonder why I would continue such a strange and uncomfortable conversation for so long and let it go so far? Well, I guess it's the trainwreck theory. And hey, if I didn't what kind of stories would I have to tell you now?
• Last, but definitely not least, is Jack-off Jason. Jason was a frequent caller that was obsessed with masturbating (hence, the nickname "Jack-off Jason", which he gave to himself), and loved to let me know whenever the deed was going down. However, Jason's story is much too long and too fun to explain in one paragraph. So, I'm going to leave you guys hanging on this one and talk about Ariana's and my adventures with Mr. Jack-off Jason some other day.

Ta-ta for now!

Fetish Friday: Spectrophilia

Happy Friday everyone! Disneyland was awesome; it was a nice change of pace from dildos and pocket pussies. However, the end of the week is here, thankfully, and with it another Fetish Friday. Do I have a treat for you! Even though I should have best saved this for Halloween, it's never too early or too late to get in the spooky mood. So I present to you...

Today's Fetish: Spectrophilia

Spectrophilia can be identified as two types of fetishes.

1. Some people may refer to themselves as spectrophiliacs because they are aroused by images reflected in mirrors. Many mirror-oriented spectrophiliacs receive pleasure by masturbating in front of a mirror. It's not necessarily about narcissism, it's more about the reflection as a separate being/entity.
2. The other type, and more fun if you ask me, of spectrophiliacs are the ones that are aroused by having sex with ghosts, spirits, demons, entities, etc. These are the ones that I will talk about.

Now, before you go ahead and judge these phantom fornicators as being strange or New-Age, this fetish, as most do, has an expansive mark on history. Succubi and Incubi are demons popular in ancient folklore that would either steal sperm from men or impregnate women in their sleep. Some mentions of these demonic lovers go as far back as 2400 BC.

Spectrophiliacs, who should not be confused for necrophiliacs (sex with dead people), claim there are several different ways they connect with their other-worldly lovers. Many have stated that the most effective way for them to have sex with ghosts is by sleeping/dreaming. Others use mirrors by turning off all the lights, lighting candles and staring long enough in to the mirrors that they begin to see figures in the glass with them. Some fetishists either get off by having consensual sex or by being raped by these entities.

The nice thing about this fetish is you know there is no risk of impregnation or STDs, so as long as you're safe, go get your kink on!

For tips on how to have sex with a ghost, check this page out. For more information, go here.

Excerpt of "Ghostly Lovers" on The Travel Channel