Fetish Friday: Sploshing

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Pick Up Lines

"Call me Fred Flinstone, because I can make your Bed Rock"

"We can get married tomorrow, but let's honeymoon tonight"

"Are you a traffic ticket? 'Cause you got FINE written all over you!"

"What's your sign?"

Pick lines are uncomfortable in a normal setting. They are twice as weird in a sex shop. Being a female working at one, I tend to get hit on a lot by men who think that my job makes me more open to sleep with them. A very popular myth, among others. And before you assume this is a post meant to boost my ego: I'm not saying that I'm so hot that guys are just falling over themselves to talk to me; I'm saying I could be a four legged woman, with a third eye, but if I had a nice pair of tits and I was behind the counter, I would still get hit on. It's the appeal of a woman, any woman, in a sex shop. Here are some of the most awkward encounters I've had with my store's wannabe Lotharios:

• "You are very attractive. You look like one of the girls in these movies." (Points to TV playing porn by register)
• "Are you a pornstar?" (Different guy. Maybe they're trying to tell me something, guys)
• "You are too pretty to be working at a place like this."
• "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?"
• "Soooo, you new here?"
• "Store looks nice. Mmm...(looks me up and down) you look nice too (NO)
• "How you doin'?'" "Fine." "You lookin' fine."
• "Are those real?" (That one actually set me off, but that's a story for another day)
• "Do you need a new master?" (Nope, all set, thank you)
• "Are you a freak? "Do you like sex?" (Hate it. My whole purpose for working here is to infiltrate and get people to stop having sex)
• "You fly as fuck. What your name is?"
• "Can I have your number?" "No." "Why?" "I have a boyfriend." "We can just be friends." "I have enough friends."
• "How's your day been?" "Long." "That's what's up." "...Ok"
• "Have a beautiful day. Stay beautiful yourself." (There's actually nothing wrong with that one, but just no thank you)
• "What's your name?" "Annette" "You're awesome, mind if I come back looking for you?" "That's a little weird, so no, but you can come back as a customer any time." "Can I just get your number then?" "No."
• "If I went back there (to the arcade), I'd probably jack off just knowing you're out here." (THEN DO IT IN SILENCE. Don't tell me about it!)

So next time a guy comes up to you and gives you some cheesy pick up line (Like my sweater? It's made from boyfriend material), remember it could always be worse. You could have some horny, undersexed guy come in and declare that you have been inducted into his special spank bank...although I've had that happen at a bar too. Dammit.

Toy Tuesday Review: Pipedream Double Trouble

Hello, lovers! I have just come out of a stage of post-coital bliss to write a new review for you guys.

Today's Review: Pipedream's Fetish Fantasy Series Double Trouble

Fan-fucking-tastic. Very well made product perfect for the couple that wants to add a little more, without adding the extra person.

Difficulty to use:
With two cock rings meant to go over your guy's shaft and testicles, it's a pretty simple design. It's a tight fit though, so make sure you use some water based lubricant to slide it on a little easier. I gave it a three star review, only because it might be tricky for anyone who has never used a cock ring before. On more right and wrong ways to apply cock ring type products, here's a helpful post :)

Versatility:
The toy is pretty straightforward, but depending on your positioning and toy placement (above or below his shaft) you can either have his penis anally and the toy vaginally, or the other way around. I recommend wearing the toy as suggested on the box for better results.

My Rating:
I'll let you know, because I'm still new to anal play, I was saving this for a rainy day; partly because I was saving the treat for the right time, and partly because I was a little nervous. My boyfriend and I started things slow by having him insert my plug first, and then having sex with it in. Once we got things going, I was ready to try this thing out. It was fucking mind blowing. He was in me vaginally, while the toy went in anally. I will admit it was a little overwhelming at certain points, the sensation is very intense. I wouldn't recommend this toy to anyone that has never tried anal before, unless you're a "go big or go home" kind of gal. It's a lot of stimulation at the same time, but if you stay relaxed and enjoy it, it's amazing. A little invasive at first, once you get into things, it's so worth it. By the time we both came, I was left speechless. What I like about anal is feeling a full sensation, and this product definitely delivers. If you're looking for dual stimulation, you have to try this toy out.
It's made from thermoplastic rubber, meaning it's porous and you can't boil it to sanitize, so I recommend using a condom over it to make clean up a cinch.

His Rating:
In terms of fit, it wasn't hard to put on, and the cock ring was comfortable. He liked that it wasn't so thick as to intimidate me, and loved the reaction he got from me when using it.

Here's a shot of the toys we used to maximize the experience. It made things a lot easier. Make sure to have lots of lube handy as well!

For more updates on Pipedream's toys, visit their blog, Facebook page, and Twitter.

Fetish Friday: Sitophilia

Hi everyone! Earlier today I was talking on the phone with my mom and somehow the subject of fetishes came up, and their diversities. I kept bringing up made up fetishes that involved food, which inspired today's Fetish Friday. What could possibly be better than sex and food? As it happens, fucking and eating are my favorite activities, and I know I'm not secluded in this. So here's a little info on those efficient lovers who have perfectly combined stomach cravings and boot knocking.

Today's Fetish: Sitophilia

Sitophilia is a form of food play. This fetish includes a few subcategories and adjacent branches. The main characteristics of this paraphilia is that it uses food either to enhance a sexual experience, whether ingested, poured/placed on the body, or used as a masturbatory aid.

When talking about food going inside you (the standard way), sitophiles may be aroused by the act of eating or the food itself. Some like to indulge in their fantasies by frequenting food hot spots like buffets, just as this guy explains. Other's use the actual food to pleasure themselves, something that was made easier by this invention:

In case you wanted to add a little more authenticity to your cucumbers and zucchinis

As I mentioned before, there is a range of specific subcategories to sitophilia. I'm not kidding when I tell you there are plenty to satisfy your sexual appetite:

• Figging: Commonly refers to anal play with ginger roots, many consider vaginal and urethra play as well.
• Nyotaimori & Nantaimori: Originated in Japan, it involves eating sushi off another person's body.
• Lactophilia: Breast milk fetish.
• Vorarephilia: While not really a subgenre of sitophilia or a type of food play, this fetish involves eating people, so that has to count for something, right?
• Sploshing: A kind of messy fetish that can include syrups, whipped cream, custard, chocolate, among other wet substances.
• Feederism: The attraction to overweight people and the impulse to feed them for sexual gratification.
• Wakamezake & Body Shots: You may think you like body shots, but these fetishists REALLY like them.

The nice thing about sitophilia that I've learned, is that it offers a lot of variety, and it's pretty convenient, seeing that you have everything you need at your local grocery store. Because it's so easily incorporated into "standard mainstream" sex, it's not seen as taboo in its most basic state. Not to mention, advertising companies have used the food/sex angle for years. Here are a few examples of food play in mainstream media.

Film:

• 9 1/2 Weeks: There is a scene where Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke get freaky with the contents of a fridge.
• Sex & The City: As a Valentine's Day idea, Samantha rolls her own sushi and places it on her body to surprise Smith. Unfortunately, he stands her up, so we never get to actually see them eat it. It's the thought that counts, and it earns a place on this list.
• American Pie: You all know what scene I'm talking about, knock it off.

TV:

• Seinfeld: George gets involved with a woman and begins to experiment with food in the ninth season
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Likewise, Frank and Artemis are always finding some new creative way to use their perishables.
• Peta's 2009 Superbowl Commercial
• An array of Carl's Jr. ads are all about food love

Literature:

• Portnoy's Complaint: The titular character uses both an apple and a steak to pleasure himself.

Personally, I've never used any food in my love making, but I am not opposed to trying it out. Although, I'm pretty sure my version of sitophilia would probably consist of me eating an entire pizza while being bent over the coffee table...actually, that sounds pretty fucking awesome. Looks like I know what I'm doing this weekend! Now, excuse me while I go place a Domino's order. Meanwhile, all you snatch snackers and food fornicators, go get your freak on!

^Cause, fuck it, why not?

And if that's not enough, here's some porn.

Toy Tuesday Review: Pipedream Collar & Leash

Hey Guys! I'm here to ease you back into things with a Toy Tuesday Review, and it's one of my favorite toys ;)

Today's Review: Pipedream's Fetish Fantasy Gold Collar & Leash

Although very popular with masters and their subs, collars are a good option to try with your loved one if you're trying to get a little kinky. No BDSM 101 kit is complete without one. If you want more information on them, I wrote a post about them for you to catch up on. The following ratings are based upon Pipedream's version from their Fetish Fantasy Gold series.

Difficulty to use:
Very simple to use. The collar is similar to a belt or dog collar with various eyelets for adjustable length. The leash has a basic clip on fastener.

Versatility:
As beautiful as the product is, it's a pretty standard design, doesn't lend itself to get creative with. Put around the neck and let the fun begin.

My Rating:
This is the fun part. I loved the collar. I decided to surprise my boyfriend with it, so I got ready; hair, makeup, outfit, the whole nine. As soon as he came home, I was waiting for him on my knees, with the collar on. It was definitely worth the wait to see his face when he saw the new toy.
The collar itself is very comfortable; the outside is crafted to look like crocodile skin, with a gold metal ring for the leash to attach to, and the inside is velvet soft. It's thick but comfortable enough to wear for a longer period of time.
The leash is very delicate. A thin golden chain, with a loop on the end, similar to the chain's croc design. Because of this, I wouldn't recommend using this product during rough sex, but it's a great toy to use for beginners or sub/dom play. I would definitely recommend it, especially to all you ladies whose interests were peaked because of the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie. Guaranteed your man will appreciate the surprise.


His Rating:
He said he would give the surprise factor a 5, but functionality a 3.5, so I'm rounding it to a 4. He also said he enjoyed leading me around with it, so we'll definitely be using it again soon :)

For more updates on Pipedream's toys, visit their blog, Facebook page, and Twitter.

I still exist!

Holy crap, guys! I just realized I haven't written since May. Sorry about that. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you and I'm still working at the sex shop, I just got caught up in all the summer fun :)

Hope you guys have been having a good time too!

Here's a picture of my new bookends (I wish) to hold you over until Fetish Friday.

See you soon!

Fetish Friday: Pediophilia

Hi guys! I missed you last Friday. I actually wrote this on Friday, but forgot to post it. So here it is. I'm back and ready to talk about today's fetish.

Today's Fetish: Pediophilia

Ok, calm your tits. Before you get all bent out of shape, I said "pedIophilia". We're not touching any kids today. Instead, let's explore something a little more static.

Pediophilia is a fetish regarding dolls. You're mad because your boyfriend likes fake tits? Pediophiles really like them fake. Since its fetishists fantasize about inanimate plastic dolls that resemble humans, this paraphilia falls under the umbrella of objectophilia and agalmatophilia.

Pediophiles get off either by the dolls themselves (this includes blow up dolls, sex dolls, figurines, and children's dolls), or imagining themselves or their loved ones turning into dolls. Similar to agalmatophilia, pediophilia differs by solely focusing on dolls and figurines, as opposed to including other human-like figures, such as mannequins and statues.

Some examples of pediophilia in the media includes:

• The Cell
• The Ten
• Lars and the Real Girl
• My Strange Addiction
• Nip/Tuck
• Team America (Anyone remember that rigorous sex scene?)
• Bride of Chucky (Anyone remember that creepy sex scene?)

For more detailed explanations on these examples, click on my link to agalmatophilia, above.

Slowly, people are coming out as pediophiles, some more extreme than others. And it's not just pediophiles trying to look like their plastic alter egos. Thanks to Barbie's popularity, there are countless websites, Youtube tutorials, models, Tumblr pages, makeup tutorials, Pinterest boards, and more makeup tutorials that inspire and showcase women's desires to look like dolls. Valeria Lukyanova, the "Human Barbie" and Justin Jedlica, the "Human Ken", have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to become the exact incarnation of their favorite dolls.

For those who don't have money to burn, there are more practical, albeit creepier, ways to become living dolls. There are even forums that you can join to learn about other's journeys into dolldom. However, if your thing is worshiping the plastic goddesses of your desires that were made that way, there are stories, support groups, guy on doll porn, more guy on doll porn, doll on doll porn, couples and blow up dolls porn, websites, and even sexy figurine shops that should quench your silicone thirst.

Growing up, I always thought Barbie and her friends were so beautiful, especially Theresa (She's brunnette...duh); I even made my dolls have sex a few times, but I don't think I've ever fantasized about fucking them. But hey, if that's what you're into, good for you for having a sexy imagination. I'm sure your childhood was a blast, every toy box/Christmas was a stiff limbed orgy waiting to be tapped into. So dig out your old China dolls and porcelain figurines, and go get your freak on!

Ridiculous Conversations 2

Oh customers. You know how to make my days more enjoyable. Sure, most of my days consist of standing at the register, while porn blasts on the t.v., and waiting for someone to come in needing help other than hoping for a tug job in the back room, but every once in a while, I get a customer or two that make it all worth it. Last Tuesday was such a day.

I had a couple come in later in my shift, drunk as shit. They consisted of a short little Mexican girl and a tall white guy, blasted off their Taco Tuesday margaritas. They came in to buy a toy for their friend who had just broken off her engagement. Said friend had gone celibate during her 2 year relationship (after not fucking for that long, I would have broken it up too), so they were looking for a vibrator to bring her back to the world of orgasms. Along the way, they found a few things that caught their eyes for their own sex lives, including XR Brand's Sexflesh "Bothways Ben" and a stick of Hubba Bubba gum. This was their interaction:

"Babe, get me Hubba Bubba gum"

"What?"

"Hubba Bubba"

"Gum or a condom?"

"Gum!"

"Is it tingly gum?"

"No!"

As they're about to pay, he yells out:

"Hold on! I want some porn!"

Once he chooses his film, he comes back to pay for the goods and asks his girlfriend,

"Is that all you want?"

"Yeah, the gum"

"That's it?" signals towards the "Bothways Ben" toy "You don't want a friend?"

"No, you do"

"I don't take it in the butt. And neither do you"

"I don't take it up the butt!"

"That's literally what I just said. I don't take it up the butt, and neither do you. Neither of us do. Like that chick" Points to anal porn on the screen

"I want to be tied up"

"Well you're the one that started that biting thing!"

"You liked it, so shut up!"

This entire interaction happened while I just stood at the register waiting for them to make up their minds. In honor of their ridiculous conversation. Here are some more funny quotes I've heard at work:

• "What's your favorite toy?" "Our original Fleshlight is pretty popular" "Does it feel like a real pussy?" Sees gay porn on "You like guy on guy? I like to fuck guys in the ass every now and then. Mmm. This makes me want to go masturbate"
• "Bye ladies. I'd say girls, but your toys are probably bigger than mine"
• "We're classing it up. We went from a pile of dudes rolling around in elbow grease, to fucking Tiffany's. Moving on to high brow stuff" -My manager, referring to us watching gay gang bang fisting porn when I first got hired, to a clip about a couple fucking in a fur coat store while the salesperson masturbates with a stiletto. Real high class shit.
• "These are misrepresenting the black man. These black straws are mildly insulting, that's what I looked like out the womb" -Black man referring to our chocolate penis straws
• "Where's the freak section at? I'm about to put it on these two girls. Say I'm beating it up and I put that [Wanachi vibe] up her butt? I'm going to do some freaky shit tonight. I'm tryna tear something up. I'm going to tear it up regardless, but I'm a freak. Know what I mean? I'm not a lawyer, I'm a porn star without the contract" -Carl's Jr. employee
• "I have shit in there!" "I have beer in there!" -2 guys realizing their car was being towed
• "Is it weird for a group of guys to come in together?"

For more ridiculous quotes check out Part 1.

Toy Tuesday: Gags

Hi out there! Happy Tuesday :) This is a long one, so let's get right to it.

Today's Toy: Gags

Yet another great toy used in BDSM, gags are meant to restrict a person's ability to talk or make noise. Some people use it simply for its practical uses, to shut a person up, while other practitioners incorporate them into their sex play as a tool of arousal and/or humiliation. The mere sight of gags alone can be extremely erotic for some; to the point that they've inspired a paraphilia of their own (it even has its own erotic fiction), but that's a Fetish Friday for another day.

Yay! Here's a toy that can be enjoyed by either sex. It doesn't matter if you have a V, P, both, or neither, gags don't discriminate. If you have a mouth, you can shove one of these in there. Now, which to choose? There is quite the selection:

• Ball: The poster child. When you hear "gag" your mind probably goes to this. This model has a ball center with straps to tie behind your head. Beginner styles will normally be made of silicone or plastic with holes throughout to enable easier breathing, similar to a wiffle ball. More advanced/extreme ones will include harder materials such as glass, metal, porcelain, and for those kids at heart, candy.

• Bit: This gag is popular among pony play enthusiasts. It's similar to a horse bit, and can be made from silicone or leather.

• Butterfly: A kind of inflatable gag, the main bulb goes in the wearer's mouth, while the wings go between the teeth and lips. If you're having trouble holding it in place, use a ring gag to stabilize it, similar to a strap on.

• Cleave: Frequently used by malevolent Russian bad guys or cartoon evil-doers with pointy mustaches, this style will look familiar if you've seen an episode of "Rocky and Bullwinkle". This style consists of a handkerchief going over the damsel in distr...er...sub's mouth and through the teeth.

• Over the Mouth (OTM): If that allows too much room for your victim...ahem...lover to make noise, then there is the OTM method, or "Detective" gag. It's pretty self explanatory.

• Over the Nose (OTN): As is the OTN, a.k.a. "bandit". For those bandolero fans. Ay chihuahua!

• Forniphilic: Mainly used to humiliate and dominate over a sub. The sex slave wears the gag and the dom may screw in any tool onto the external end. Some accessories include toilet brushes, ash trays, dildos, and feather dusters. The example below is from Pipedream's Fetish Fantasy Series line.

• Funnel: What every bro/frat guy/spring breaker has ever had a wet dream about. Your prayers have been answered, fellas.

• Harness: For those overachievers that believe two straps are not enough. This model has several straps that encompass the head and limit sight as well as sound.

• Inflatable: What do you think this one consists of? It inflates? Good one. Like the Butterfly gag, use a ring gag to hold in place.

• Knotted: Cleave gag + a knot in center. BAM. New gag.

• Medical: The stuff of nightmares/German sex dreams. It's not very effective for silencing, and is used mainly for it's aesthetic. Two types of medical gags are Whitehead and Jennings.

• Mouth Corset: A corset...for your mouth. (Not recommended for beginner or intermediate users. If the wearer begins to choke, it is very difficult to remove)

• Mouthguard: Similar to sport mouth guards, with straps that run from the front to the back. Because BDSM is about taking everyday things and turning them into sexual torture instruments.

• Muzzle: Essentially, a harness and OTM gag in one. Resembles a dog muzzle.

• Panel: A muzzle gag without the head harness.

• Pecker: Similar to an OTM gag with a phallic bulge inside for the wearer to bite. Get it? Pecker? Like a dick. Ha.

• Ring: A hollow version of the ball gag. I don't mean that in a metaphorical way; it's not like the gag is an emotionally detached toy, refusing to cuddle or share its secrets with you. I mean it's has a ring in the middle instead of a ball. Pretty useful for giving head if the ring is big enough [because your dick is never too small fellas, it's always the ring's fault ;) ]

• Rope: Do I really need to explain this one?

• Spider: A variation of the Ring gag, its four protrusions make it easier to hold the ring in place. Aesthetically, this is my favorite.

• Stuff: Just stuff a bunch of shit (junk, not actual shit) in someone's mouth. Fetishists are nothing if not resourceful.

• Tape: See Rope

• Tube: Preferred by gimps and latex enthusiasts, it's a tube that allows the person to breath.

To safely use gags, make sure you have one to two fingers worth of wiggle room between the straps and your neck. Also, your mouth should fit (within reason) comfortably around the mouth piece, unless its an OTM/OTN. While using some models, you might drool; don't worry, it's normal.

When using them, it is imperative that you trust the person you are fucking. These aids are meant to cut off speech, and in most cases they also restrict your breathing. If at any point you feel any discomfort or difficulty breathing, remove it immediately.

Luckily, maintenance is a cinch. Just remove, clean with warm water and antibacterial soap and air dry. With certain silicone and glass/metal toys, you can sanitize by placing in boiling water for two minutes.

Difficulty to use:

Although there is a large selection of styles to choose from, for the most part, gags all function the same way. Either tie down or buckle up; it's pretty simple stuff. Some models have extra straps or look tricky at first, but one quick trip to the internet should help you figure it out. I believe in you!

Variety:

Like a flurry of dominant, leather-clad snowflakes, no two gags are the same. With the amount of variety vendors and shops provide for you, there's an endless possibility of designs to choose from. Materials, straps, colors, sizes, buckles, and the gags themselves vary immensely, so you shouldn't have any trouble choosing the right mouth restraint for you.

My Rating:

Last night was my first experience with spider gags and I have mixed reviews. The gag definitely adds to the element of helplessness and feeling dominated, but I wasn't a fan of the drooling. I did like that it makes it easy to breath, and it looks awesome. The metal was hard to bite down on, but I liked it. After a while, though, my jaw started to cramp up, so I couldn't wear it the whole time. It definitely makes it difficult to communicate though, so there's no point in begging.

Guy Rating:

He may be biased because he was turned on by the fact that I was wearing a sundress with a gag, cuffs, and plug in, but he loved it. (No one said you can't look feminine while having your face shoved into a pillow). He wasn't able to give me a rating today, but from his reaction, I'm guessing: