Ridiculous conversations

Happy New Year everyone!

A woman in her 40s just came in to purchase a jet black realistic vibrator with testicles. As I mentioned before, we have to test any battery operated toys to make sure they work. Now, just because I work at a sex shop doesn't mean I don't have to make small talk with the customers at the register. So while I am groping this silicone dildo to put batteries in it and check its speeds, this woman and I were talking about our plans for tonight, if we are spending it with family or friends and how nice the day is.

So in the spirit of bizarre situation-conversations with customers, I have made a list of ridiculous things we say daily and often to our customers. And yes, these are always said with a straight face:

• "Do you need lubricant or cleaner today?"
• "Just so you know, this can not be inserted anally"
• "No, we do not accept any returns on toys"
• "I'm sorry, we don't have anything that vibrates stronger than that"
• "Our porn is not categorized by actress or title, but I can help you look for something"
• "If you are looking for something to insert anally, always look for something with a flared base"
• "Sorry, kids are not allowed in here"
• "Yes, we do give stripper discounts"

Fetish Friday: Balloons

Hi Everyone! Second post for today. Happy Fetish Friday, and do I have a treat for you! I first learned about this fetish watching United States of Tara where Kate, Tara's daughter, does it to earn a Vespa. Today, one of my employees, Michelle, suggested I write about it after she had a customer come in and ask for balloon porn. So here goes:

Today's Fetish: Balloons

So balloon fetishists, or "looners" as they call themselves, are people who are aroused from balloons and their interactions. Looners are divided into four categories: 

• Poppers: These enthusiasts get their kicks from the act of popping balloons, either themselves or watching someone doing it. These looners have been associated with BDSM since they recieve pleasure in "torturing" or "hurting" these balloons and associate popping with orgasms.
• Non-Poppers: Non-poppers are the complete opposite. They anthropomorphize these objects and feel emotionally attached to them. They get pleasure from blowing the balloons up or playing with them, and in many cases, non-poppers have a phobia of balloons. To them, popping a balloon symbolizes death.
• Semi-Poppers: As the name says, these are right in the middle. Although they feel discomfort at popping a balloon, they receive an adrenaline rush pushing the boundries.
• Bubblegum Looners: Some looners prefer bubblegum balloons over latex ones. These fetishists do not categorize themselves as poppers or non-poppers because bubblegum balloons can be regenerated into new balloons. They can be aroused by blowing the balloon themselves, or watching someone else blow up the bubblegum balloon.

Balloon fetishists are each as unique as kinky balloon-popping snowflakes; when it comes to their subjects, tastes can vary between size, color, and shapes. I think this is an awesome fetish, and sad it isn't more well known. If you'd like to know more, I attached links and pictures below.

Now go get your kink on!

An example of "popper" porn

and some links!

BalloonFetish.org

Melly Loon!

Free White Wine

Good Morning! Sorry about missing out on yesterday, what with the holidays, I was feeling lazy. So, I will make up for it with two posts! Now I'm back and with it I have some white wine. One of my regular customers, who comes in to buy DVDs in bulk brought me some (don't worry, I checked. It was properly sealed). This guy is so funny. He is an older gentleman, probably in his 40s or 50s and is Mexican so greatly appreciates the fact that I speak Spanish. He always brings in presents whenever he comes, ranging from Mcdonald's to Swiss strawberry chocolate, and now white wine.

And since it is the season of excess, and this customer is included in this list, I will tell you about three other customers who have come in to buy excessively.

1. So besides this last customer (we'll name him Señor DVDs), I had another customer who used to come in all the time for the latest releases. Every time he came in, he would buy at least 25 movies. Back then I thought that was insane, now, I realize, it was kid's play.
2. Another regular we lost was an older woman, maybe in her early 50s, who loved to buy Whip-its. One weekend, she came in Friday, Saturday and Sunday and bought 50 Whip-its a day. I didn't know you could use 50 Whip-its in a week, let a alone a day! After that, I knew exactly what brand, price, and size she wanted when she came in.
3. Finally, a man who referred to himself as Mr. TMI came in for the holidays to do some last minute shopping. This man was so nice and a bit insecure about himself, but he definitely lived up to his name. His wife had recently left him for his best friend, so he decided to do a 180. He quit his job at a company he started to work a part time job, moved into the neighborhood my store is in, and started seeing a former flame from his high school days. So as Christmas came along, so did he. He walked around the store telling me his story and piling the counter with presents for his kids (we also are a novelty store), himself and his lady friend. Total amount for 5 people? $650

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all had an amazing one like I did :) Don't really have a story about work today since we were closed, but I did get to see my family today and have a short Christmas story: As my boyfriend and I were leaving his mother's house, one of my nieces asked "Where do you work?" I mentioned near the beach, and when they pressed for details I said, "I work at a toy shop". Being 5-9 years old, all the nieces got excited and asked if they could come visit me to which their parents had to explain it was a "toy shop for grown ups", and as one parent put it "But when you get older and need a school uniform you can go visit her". 

:) So there's my funny story for tonight. Good Night!

And yes...those are penises with Santa hats

Tis' the season

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are all spending this wonderful day with someone or everyone you love. If not, just enjoy the fact that you're pretty awesome to begin with! :D I thought we could celebrate today with a post on funny presents people have bought for those special people in their lives. Enjoy.

• Back when I first started, I genuinely started this job with the intention of helping people with their relationships in terms of sex. One case I remember the most was a guy who came in to find something appropriate for himself and his girlfriend. She was bi-curious and wanted to introduce a third person into the relationship but they didn't want to deal with emotions or STDs. So what was I supposed to do?
• Gift of Choice: White girl pocket pussy + Lesbian porn (For her to learn the tricks of the trade)
• Don't really know how that would work, I feel like he would be fucking the girlfriend and the girlfriend would just be nibbling on silicone, but I hope it helped them out :)
• During the summertime, an elder gentlemen I guess to be in his late 50s came in to buy the perfect birthday present for his little brother's 50th. He "wasn't sure what was popular now with the kids" so he went for something old school. Also, apparently his brother was a boxing fan.
• Gift of Choice: A busty Boxing Bitch Love Doll

• Not to be outdone by the boyfriend above, a married man (I guess you up the relationship, you up the ante) came in asking for a similar request. However, a simple pocket pussy would not suffice as this Mr. and his Mrs. had already tried everything with real people and seen every porno out there. No, if he was going to pay for Fanta Flesh, he was going to pay a lot of it. Unfortunately, $700 was where he drew the line.
• [Intended] Gift of Choice: Fuck Me Silly 3 (7lbs. Fanta Flesh mold of a woman from the waist down)

• Finally back in July, when I sprained my ankle in an unfortunate pre-sex accident where I fell off a half pipe, a very handsome and charming doctor came in to buy some presents. You could say he was a very fair man, so fair in fact, that in order to avoid preference among his loved ones, he bought them all the same presents. And when I mean loved ones, I mean his girlfriend, his other girlfriend and his merry-go-round of lady friends. You can't hate him for being successful.
• Gift(s) of Choice: 3 Pink G-spot Le Reve Vibrators, 3 Lingerie sets, 3 We Vibe 3s, 3 lubricants

Well, I hope this helped you with future present ideas; now go eat and get fat with your families :)

Fetish Friday: Pony play

Happy Friday everyone! Seeing as the world didn't end, I'm going to celebrate by starting my Fetish Fridays, where we'll learn something new about the world of kink.

Today's Fetish: Ponyplay

Ponyplay falls under the category of animal roleplay, along with kittenplay and pup-play, but should not be confused for bestiality or furries. No animals are used in this fetish roleplay; it is based upon two or more consenting adults that receive pleasure from playing either the master or the pet. Pony play is considered by some to fall into the category of BDSM although restriction, hitting or punishment are not always required for this type of play.

I think this is one of the most interesting fetishes out there. It is a mixture of acting, light to heavy BDSM, and fun accessories, besides, what girl didn't want a pony growing up? As with any other fetish, if you're not hurting yourself (in a bad way) or your partner(s), what's the harm? Get your kink on, and just remember to be safe :)

Here's a video of a couple engaging in ponyplay:

And a picture of some old fashioned ponyplay in art:

For more images or info check this page out:
http://humanpony.tumblr.com/

Slow Day

So even though there are always things to do at work, sometimes the day is just stagnant from a lack of customers. Today was pretty slow and I wasn't sure what to write about, but one of my employees, Tatiana, told me to write about things I've done in the past to entertain myself when the day is dull as hell. So I am going to explain some of the things I've done to rid myself of total boredom, written with the original Facebook post.

But before that happens, I have to talk about Ariana. Ariana is a good friend of mine who I hired back in June. We work every Friday together for an hour, and I'm not lying when I say it is the highlight of my working day. She and I are very similar minded, which leads to becoming partners in crime, which leads to amusing stories at work. I will most likely be posting stories about the stupid things Ariana and I do just make work more enjoyable. And I'm begging you, try to contain your excitement, we are pretty awesome. Ok, back to entertaining myself:

August 10: "Just tried out the oral numbing spray to see if works....it does"

Ariana and I thought it would be smart to try out some of our products so we could tell our customers honest reviews about it. Looking around, there is a limited amount of products we can actually use without having to buy it. Blo's Oral numbing spray was the weapon of choice. We each sprayed a couple spritz and waited. Let me start by telling you it tastes horrible. It said it had a spearmint flavor; the mint lasted 2 seconds, the rest was rancid alcohol. The flavor aside, it definitely works. After the bitter taste, our throats burned with what we thought was chemical acid, and then numbed after two minutes that felt like 20. Of course after we numb our throats, do customers decide to come in. We weren't able to speak properly for 10 minutes. Then once our throats finally went back to normal, our lips remained numb for another 3 minutes. But Yay!! Numbing spray works....ladies.

November 18: "Bored at work. Opened up one of our Kimono condoms at work to see how durable it was. Not only was it able to go over my fist, but that sucker rolled up like an opera glove up to my elbow. Glad to see some of our products are reliable."
Yeah, that thing was awesome, I was tempted to make a gown out of lingerie and dildos and hold my first annual Sex Shop Ball.

December 14: "If we put out a tip jar at --------- and put a sign that says "Just the tip", do you think people will give us money? Ariana and I need cash!"
This was during a very interesting talk with Jack-off Jason, but he's a story for another night. ;) For now, just enjoy these pictures of Ariana and I holding pitbull puppies some guys brought to the shop.

Jokes you think are hilarious that really aren't

Happy Humpday! In honor of puns and sex, here are some stupid things people say to make us laugh that, in reality, make us cringe. These are jokes/pick up lines (?) heard almost daily by some of our customers.

• "All right/Oh yeah/OK/That's what I'm talking about, are you going to do that here or in the bathroom?" -As a policy we have to test any toys with our tester batteries to make sure it is working properly and to show our customer how to turn it on; that is their reaction.
• "I want the biggest butt plug you have" "Where is your largest dildo" "I'm looking for a the biggest, blackest vibrator you have" -Now, I have no problem helping someone find the biggest, veiniest, darkest dildo we have in stock, if that is really what they are looking for. However, we tend to only get this request from some smart-ass who comes in with his entourage of guy friends or some shy girl friend. We get it, you are the reigning king of Beer Pong and can't take a piss unless you have five of your friends there to high five you for a job well done.
• "Your boyfriend must love that you work here" -Subtle boys, well done. We always have boyfriends...even when we don't have boyfriends, we have boyfriends. Maybe try something more original?
• "Are you for sale?" -I actually had some 17 year old ask this as he was standing outside of the store. You'd be surprised how many times we get asked this.

If you want to make a sex shop worker laugh, you're going to have to try harder than that!

Playing Dress up

Just had a man call in asking me if I would help him play dress up if he came into the store...I said no.

On that note, let's talk about another interesting male customer I've had:

Once I had been here for a few weeks, I wondered why I hadn't really seen any kinky older businessmen come in to buy anything, a total cliché, but it could happen. Well, ask and you shall receive. An elder gentleman in his late 50s came in his power suit and spent 35 minutes shopping for gay and teen porn, a black pocket pussy, a white pocket pussy, and, I kid you not, 35.3 oz of lubricant. Then, of course, he proceeded to avoid eye contact, and I believe he was going to try and pull a "it's not for me" bit, but wisely chose not to, since buying that for a friend doesn't make it any less awkward buddy.

For those of you who can not visualize what that purchase would look like, here's a picture:

Past Posts

Now, since I'm just starting this blog, you've all missed out on previous months' stories. So I'll catch you guys up on certain events that have happened in the past eight months :)

Here are some of my favorite past posts about work:

• "Just got hit on the head with a penis piñata...sex shop problems" -June 12

• "Now that Fifty Shades of Grey mania has settled, there's a new book called Eighty Days Yellow...I guess Twenty Shades of Turquoise was taken." -September 17
  
  
• "Just had the cutest old lady come in and ask me if we sell buttons. She saw the costumes outside in the window displays and thought this was a fabric store" -September 21 (During our initial Halloween sale)
  
  
• "My boyfriend is so boring, he refuses to help me sort through porn and would rather nap in his car :(" -October 10
  
  
• "Best part of working at a sex shop? Having sore muscles from scaring the crap out of people the night before, then coming into work and having an endless supply of vibrators to choose from my neck and shoulders :)" -October 18 (I work as a "Haunt" for Halloween)
  
  
• "I like it when people, especially girls, buy pornos because when they come to the counter they do anything to avoid eye contact. Seriously? All of a sudden our business cards are super interesting?" -November 14
  
  
• "Idk what's funnier about having a thick-accented German man come in to buy a blow up doll: The fact that he was ashamed and said it was a "gag gift", or the fact that he was German and ashamed, saying it was a "gag gift". You are from Germany! You guys have girls poop in each others' mouths, I think buying a blow up doll is the least of your problems." -November 20
  
  
• "Why is it that the store is DEAD until I decide to have some lunch?? And it's not like these people can chill for two seconds. No, they need their lubricant NOW" -December 4
  
  
• "Just had a HIGH SCHOOL principal call to ask if we would like to sponsor their basketball team's uniforms. After I asked her if she knew what kind of business we are, she went on the say she does and asked us again. I seriously had to let her know that as a SEX SHOP we did not feel comfortable sponsoring anything with children....she still didn't get it." -December 10

Also, here's an image of someone's signature, back when I used to close for the store.

Never a dull day at the shop.

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to Sex Shop Chronicles! This is my first time making a blog, so bear with me. I work at a sex shop in San Diego, and these are my stories, rants, and thoughts on working in this industry. Hope you enjoy reading this and get some laughs out of it :)

P.S. This blog is intended for the 18+ crowd.

-Annette