Fetish Friday: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Happy fucking Friday, loves! Boy did I miss Fetish Friday; so much, in fact, it hurt. And speaking of hurting:

Today's Fetish: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Phalloorchoalgolagnia, or cock and ball torture (CBT, as I'll refer to it, because fuck writing phalloorchoalgolagnia each time), is the act of abusing male genitals through squeezing, kicking, burning, biting, smacking, pulling, shocking, and other forms of torture.

I saw an example of CBT for the first time last week. One of my coworkers decided to put on some ball busting porn, and I was not disappointed. It's all recorded from a POV shot from the same guy, while he gets abused by three different women in multiple scenarios. The first sadist is an angry Asian woman who not only humiliates our enthusiastic masochist, but she repeatedly hits and kicks his genitals until they turn purple...purple! But that wasn't even the worst of it: the next lady is a German, so you know where this is going. Right off the bat, she BITES down, hard, on his shaft, leaving bite marks, while he repeatedly tell her to burst his nuts open. It gets worse, but I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

So there are a few toys that you can use in order to facilitate genital abuse. These include (Click the titles for images):

• Ball stretchers: This aid is pretty self explanatory. It's meant to stretch out your scrotum from 1-4 inches, and can be sold as metal rings or silicone sleeves. Just be careful with these, since they can cut off circulation quite easily.
• Ball crushers: Another self explanatory toy, crushers look pretty similar to the machines used for mammograms, except we don't cream ourselves over doctor visits (unless you're into that)
• Urethral Sounds: Typically used in Medical play (don't worry, we'll go over that next week), sounds consist of a metal probe, varying in width, that is meant to go up your peehole, boys. Once inside, you or your partner can use a tuning fork to strike the sound to make it vibrate.
• Parachutes: Similar to ball stretchers, parachutes have the added feature of a cute little parachute shaped leather cuff that squeezes and pulls your balls down.
• Humblers: Have you ever seen that bar that connects oxen together when pulling carts, or stocks used as punishment back in the day? That's what a humbler is, but for your balls. It essentially keeps the guy on his hands and knees, and any attempt to straighten out will not be pleasant.

So if all this talk about ball slappin' and dick munching is getting you going, there are a few places you might want to check out, such as forums, Tumblr (of course), porn sites, more porn sites, and even more porn sites.

Enjoy, please don't pop a nut, and go get your kink on!

Funny porn quotes

Hi guys! Sorry for the wait, I'm still getting used to posting again.

As I mentioned before, the new store I'm working at sells DVDs, so guess what I get to do all day. I've already mentally, and in some cases, physically,  tried out all the toys in the shop.

Eventually, I'm going to include a new section, Movie Mondays, where I'll review one of our featured masterpieces. If you're a fan of Fetish Friday and Toy Tuesday, hopefully you'll love Mondays too. As you know, I am here to please. Who knows when this section will happen though.

Until then, I've compiled a list of my favorite quotes uttered while in the throes of passion. This lusty lingo came from numerous DVDs ranging from gay porn, tickling fetish videos, and blow job bangs.

Without further ado, here they are:

• "I feel the cock. I am one with the cock."
• "You're gonna cum in my butt? You're gonna do that for me? You're an awesome dude." -One awesome dude to another awesome dude
• "You have the cutest rear end."
• "You are such a devil. You wicked thing."
• "Did you get my stromboli?" "Yeah I got your stromboli right here." *grabs crotch* (You can never go wrong with the classics. And this was followed by:)
• "That'll teach you to order only one stromboli."
• "Cock face fuck monger."
• (While sucking off a black guy and white guy at the same time) "Look, I got a face full of chocolate and vanilla." (Off screen) "How about some strawberry?"
• "Cock is better than any pork or beef I could ever eat!"
• "Let me show you how I work sausage." (What the fuck is up with all the food references?)
• "There you go, put it in your nostril."
• "If you can feel the chemistry while I'm skull fucking her, then you know I've fucked her before."
• "I heard she's British, so we should serve some tea...some tea bags." (Zing! He came up with that one by himself and everything)
• "Some people say black guys' cum tastes like chocolate, but I don't know what they're talking about because there's no chocolate coming out of a black guys dick. "
• "Gosh, I am so horny right now, it's not even funny." (Did she get that from Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver up there?)

I'm Baaaaack

Well hello, ladies and gentlemen! I am back, and boy did I miss you.

And you, big, old, inflatable cocks. I missed you too.

The last time I posted was back in July for Toy Tuesday; quite a bit has changed since then. Back in May, I stopped working at the sex shop and moved on to work solely downtown at a couple bars. At the time, I thought I was done with the blog and adult industry in general, but fear not little darlings, I'm back with a slew of new stories, advice, and general kink for your reading pleasure.

I am now at a bigger and better store, and loving every pervy minute.

Every.Pervy.Minute.

Already, I've met some interesting patrons, and I'm quickly learning the correlation between white sneakers and video arcades.

What's that? Oh, I didn't mention the video arcades? Yup. This new store has arcades. For those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, no, I don't mean video games (although that would be AWESOME), I mean booths where men come in between running errands and picking their kids up from cello lessons to watch videos and masturbate. Thankfully, I don't have to clean up after them; we have a jizzmonger who comes in and deals with that for us. However, I'm not off scott-free; I still have to clean up around the store, including the DVD section. My first day back, I was sorting through some movies while my manager was chatting with a customer, and without a thought, nonchalantly asked, "Where does the interracial porn go?"

Ahh...it's good to be back.

(Btw. For those of you wondering, the interracial porn goes next the Asian assfucking, above the Big Black Women videos)