Windshield Love Songs

I swear, working here never gets old. My assistant manager went to the bank earlier today to run some errands and came back to, what he thought was, a parking ticket. Upon closer inspection, he saw it was an envelope with instructions.

Looks Legit

After putting on gloves (Yeah, I'm going to open it without protection. I work at a sex shop, I know better), we were treated to a struggling poet and Latin Lothario in training.

 This'll keep the Herp and Anthrax away for sure

And was it ever a treat. I don't think I can really write anything about how confusing this was. I'll just let the pictures explain. First of all, why was there a wad of newspaper clippings stuffed in the note?

If my face is turned into a wallet after this, his info is on the envelope...just saying

Then there are the ramblings themselves. He starts off by jotting down some helpful suggestions to the U.S. government:

Because he clearly knows what he's talking about

Followed by an excerpt of his music:

For my Spanish-illiterate readers:
"I am a prisoner of your arms because of the love you give me,
Because of the love you give me, I will always be the happiest prisoner,
Your look has me as a prisoner,
Your love has me as a prisoner,
I am the happiest prisoner with your love"

Finally, he decided it'd be a good idea to write these love songs on his earnings statement. Please note that he made sure to highlight how much he pays for child support.

And if you had any questions about how to contact him with a contract, don't worry, he left specific instructions. Leave them on the car you found the envelope in the first place.

Not his Blazer

....?

What did we learn today, kids? Sometimes working at a sex shop is not all about porn; sometimes, it's about love. In this case, a prisoner of love. Either way, someone's getting tied up.