Off the clock

Oh, my sweet Jesus. I just received a wrong number who mistook me for his friend, Terry. When I asked who it was, he said, "It's your foot massager". When I corrected his mistake, he asked if I had nice feet, and if  my boyfriend massaged them, because he wanted to. I tried to fend him off with various comments, but I think everything I said intrigued him all that much more. Finally, I just had to thank him for his time and hang up.
How do these people find me? I don't even have to be on the clock for them to find me. According to Ariana, "That's what [I] get for being a vixen." Too bad, he had a cute voice.

Ridiculous.

Weirdos

Hello, everyone! Another week, another paycheck. As you may or may not have realized by now, I normally don't work weekends, but since summer hours are changing, so are mine. I now work Sunday opening shifts; but don't worry, I'll keep posting every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Anyway, I opened yesterday and since I haven't worked a weekend day in a long time, I forgot how the real weirdos reserve their Sunday's for their weekly sexpeditions. I had the pleasure of encountering four of these creatures back to back.

1. To start my morning off, I had some guy in his late 30s come in and head straight for the DVD room. He spent, no joke, an entire hour voraciously looking through our porn collection; picking up movies, reading the plot summaries, putting boxes back, comparing prices, and contemplating actresses. I've haven't seen someone consider their options that much since Amanda Bynes decided between being crazy, or being crazy and haggard. Eventually, he made up his mind and finally emerged victorious with four DVDs. He came to the register with a pink jelly cyber snatch pocket pussy and movies including MILFs and hairy women. To top it off: After he paid for his goodies, he wished me a Happy Mother's Day and just walked out the door to jack it to some mommies of his own.
2. Shortly after, a dirty-ish looking youth came in looking for nothing specific, so I couldn't decide if he was homeless or not. I let him roam around the store for a bit and just followed his activity on our security cameras. The first thing he did was go straight to the lingerie section. As he sorted through everything, he giggled to himself and rocked out to Justin Timberlake's "Suit and Tie". Then, he proceeded to the bondage section to giggle and fondle boxes some more, followed by the shoe section. Here he took a little more interest, as he looked at sizes and styles, holding them up so he could examine them closely. Slowly, he made his way into the DVD room, where he really rocked out to J. Timberlake and "Teach me how to Dougie". He was moving around to the rhythm, bopping his head, and lingered on the bondage and teen sections. Sufficiently pleased with his trip to the sex shop, he casually walked out in his black t-shirt emblazoned with a bald eagle wearing an American flag shirt and straddling a motorcycle. 'Merica
3. A little later in the afternoon, a short, brown, foreign man in his 40s came in looking for a Mother's Day present. I totally believed he was gay, so I thought it was a bit creepy he was shopping here. It wasn't until I realized he was "straight" that I helped him look for presents for his wife. However, when I asked him what he was looking for, all he said was, "I don't know". I pressed a bit for details as to what direction he wanted to go or what she would be interested in and all I got was, "I don't know". I showed him our vibrators to see if maybe that would inspire them, but he just told me she already had all of them. All of them. Ok. So I suggested lingerie as a nice present for both of them, but when I asked what her size was and what kind of styles they liked, you guessed it, "I don't know". We tried bondage. "Here are some of our restraints. This package comes with a heart shaped pillow and paddle, restraints and a blindfold. Would your wife like this?" "I don't know...I don't know"....."Ok. What would like to see then?" "I don't know, you tell me". Ohmygod. I wanted to strangle him. I suggested a few other things but it was either no or he didn't know. Finally, I gave up and went back to the register so he could look through things. As he was leaving, I apologized for not being able to help him find anything. He responded with, "You should [be]". Fuck you mini-man!
4. Finally, to top my day off, a cowboy came in looking for underwear. He didn't specify for who it was, he just said he needed some underwear. He was pretty secretive about the details but said he was hanging out next door and needed it. Eventually, I got him to tell me if it was for a girl or guy, and after showing him prices, he told me what they were for...kind of. He just said he needed some comfortable underwear for a girl that worked next door who had forgotten to put her panties on. It didn't matter what they looked like as long as they were comfortable. I asked him if they were going to be seen and his response was, "Not yet". I showed him some cotton briefs with corny sayings on the back like "Hot as Fuck", "Spank me", and "Hot Ass". Despite the fact that the style didn't matter, it took him long enough to finally decide on "It's not going to lick itself". Classy.

Update: #2 just walked into the store again wearing the same exact shirt as yesterday, and a little coked out. I would like to correct my earlier mistake, the bald eagle was not wearing an American flag shirt; it was a leather jacket and an American flag helmet. My bad. Sorry.

Fetish Friday: Hybristophilia

So this week was a bit hectic, what with cinco de Mayo and all (I actually have an amazing picture about that, that I will post later). Unfortunately, I had a little bit too much to drink on Sunday and got too out of control. The boyfriend and I have an agreement that we're allowed to kiss other people as long as it's just kissing. However, on Sunday, I did push my luck.

There is one promoter from a club downtown that I would flirt with, and on Cinco, I got very drunk and acted inappropriately with him. I have since apologized to my boyfriend, who is absolutely the most understanding man I could ever be with, and cut off communication with the promoter.

Then I started to wonder: What is it with bad boys? I always had a soft spot for them in high school, and definitely got it out of my system this time, but why do we chase them in the first place? Most girls, and a lot of guys, will always have an attraction for the wrong person. So this leads me to today's fetish.

*Btw, the boyfriend and I are fine :) You fuck up, you apologize, you move on.

Today's Fetish: Hybristophilia

Hybristophilia, also known as "Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome", is the sexual attraction to criminals; and I don't mean petty crimes like pick-pocketing or shop lifting, I mean rape, murder, or armed robbery.

There are two kind of hybristophiliacs:

1. Passive: Also known as SKG (serial killer groupies), these hybristophiliacs are often times delusional and easily manipulated. They do not participate in their lover's crimes, opting instead to write them love letters, make excuses for their crimes, and hold on to the hope that their love can change them. These poor saps have rescue fantasies and often end up in abusive and dangerous relationships that lead to murder.
2. Aggressive: Now these kooks are the complete opposite. In an attempt to gain the criminals' trust and love, they will assist in crimes such as hiding bodies, beating, luring, or providing alibis. They become criminals themselves and are incredibly dangerous since they try even harder to prove themselves worthy.

Despite all the articles questioning or studying the topic, it isn't clearly known what leads hybristophiliacs to fall in love with these people, but there are theories:

• They mistake overly-violent and aggressive criminals as alpha males. Obviously the right person to continue the human species with.
• They are submissive and seek thrills.
• They are closeted murderers, that enjoy living vicariously through these people.
• They are religious nuts who can't get enough of that Cool-aid.

Since Bonnie and Clyde, there has been a lot of interest and media coverage about hybristophilia, through fiction and true events. Examples of hybristophilia in fiction are:

• The show, The Good Wife features an episode titled "Hybristophilia", about a woman who died stalking a serial killer.
• The Following is a new show on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon, about an imprisoned serial killer who has both male and female groupies.
• Harley Quinn and Joker, anyone?
• CSI featured the character, Nate Haskell, in 9 episodes who had groupies called "Nate's brides".

Well, what about real life? There can't actually be that many examples right? Wrong, never underestimate how bat-shit crazy some women are:

• Josef Fritzl imprisoned and raped his daughter for 24 years.
• Crazy bitch count: 100s of letters following his arrest.
• Charles Manson inspired a group of dirty hippies to murder several families in Los Angeles in one of the most gruesome massacres of our time.
• Crazy bitch count: We all know about his kooky groupies.
• Ted Bundy, one of the most charming serial killers known in the media, was a serial killer, necrophiliac, rapist and kidnapper.
• Crazy bitch count: He had scores of women come support him at his trials and after he was incarcerated, their obsession with with him just kept growing. He received hundreds of letters a day from adoring fans.
• Richard Ramirez was a serial killer currently on death row.
• Crazy bitch count: Dozens of women came to see him at his trial. One lucky groupie, after writing him over 75 letters, finally got to marry Mr. Ramirez. Who says true love can't prevail?
• Jeffrey Dahmer, serial killer and sex offender.
• Crazy bitch count: Dozens of women would send him letters, money and gifts. It's not about quantity, it's about quality as Mr. Dahmer knows.
• Scott Peterson murdered his wife and their unborn child in the 90s.
• Crazy bitch count: He's had countless women over the years write to him in support and adoration.
• Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev were responsible for the 2013 Boston bombings.
• Crazy bitch count: Apparently the hashtag #FreeJahar is incredibly popular among teenage girls on Twitter...really, ladies????

As weird as this fetish sounds, it is very real, and in most cases extremely dangerous. So instead of going for that mass murderer or child rapist, may I suggest a fun alternative?

Isn't that better than 25 to life? the outfits are cuter and conjugal visits can go for as long as you want. Now, go get your kink on!

Here, because women aren't the only ones looking to get it on with an inmate.

What Fetish Friday would be complete without a Tumblr link?

Finally, here's a blog, Facebook page, forum, video, and porn site to quench your kinky self.

P.S. I've never fallen in love with a criminal before, but hot damn.

Throwback Thursday

Hi guys! I'm so sorry I've been MIA, yet again, this week. There's been a lot on my plate that I'm trying to deal with right now. I haven't forgotten about you, and I promise to have a very interesting Fetish Friday tomorrow to make up for last week.

This week, since my brain is still a little fried from everything, I thought I'd do another Throwback Thursday. I love looking at pictures and videos of vintage porn or sex toys, because you never imagine people getting freaky in the past. If you ask me, they were even crazier than we are now. They used metal, wooden and even stone toys, while we use hypoallergenic silicone and softened leather.

So here are some kinky ads and erotic pictures from yesteryear for your viewing pleasure ;)

The funny thing is, we still sell a lot of the toys featured above, including finger vibrators, oral pocket pussies, and dildo machines. If you're into tentacle porn though, I'm sorry, I have no idea what that thing was so I can't help you there.

Toy Tuesday: Nipple Clamps

Hi Guys! I know it's Thursday, but I ended up getting Tuesday off, so I owe you a Toy Tuesday :) So here goes.

Today's Toy: Nipple Clamps

Nipple clamps restrict blood flow to your nipples when erect, causing a mixed sensation between pain and pleasure. These clamps are widely used for BDSM, and are instrumental in "tit torture".

Both men and women can use nipple clamps. They are great for solo or couple/group play. Because they don't go on your genitals, they can be shared between two or more people without being sanitized.

There are three main style of clamps:

• Clothes-pin: Pretty similar to a household clothes-pin. Like many clamps, it often comes with a screw that adjusts the pressure.

• Tweezer clamp: Looks just like a tweezer, 2-4 inches in length. Normally, they will have a rubber sheath over the tips to protect the nipple and prevent slippage. These come with an adjustable screw as well.

• Clover clamp: A.k.a "Butterfly clamp". You can thank the Japanese for this one. It's a flat clamp 2-4 inches in size, and sometimes come with weights or chains attached. They are meant to prevent the wearer from moving and provide a very high pain level, so these clamps are recommended for experienced users only.

Once you've decided what style of clamp you like, there are many variations to each one, like weighted, chained, suction cup, gag and clamp combo, vibrating, metal, clamp and collar set, metallic, decorated, suspender-style, and even rosary-style.

To apply, make sure nipples are erect as this makes gripping much easier, unless you are trying to torture your partner and wish to prevent them from getting hard. The area should be dry and devoid of any oils, sweat, or saliva, as this may cause slipping. To vary sensations, try clamping/un-clamping during intervals, adjust pressure, and/or tug on them. Because your nipples will be sensitive after using them, it will hurt momentarily when taking off.

Like any other BDSM instrument, these toys are meant to teeter between pain and pleasure, however, if the pain is ever two intense, or your nipples go numb, remove the clamps immediately. Do not leave on for more than a few minutes at a time.

Again, because they don't go on your genitals, nipple clamps are extremely easy to care for. Just un-clamp and put away somewhere cool and dry. If you do decide to use them on your naughty bits, remember to clean and sanitize with rubbing alcohol...but really, just go out and buy genital clamps.

Difficulty to use:

Very easy. Open, clamp on.

Versatility:

Try adjusting pressure and clipping on and off. It'll keep you on the edge, or make you cum faster.

My Rating:

Today's rating is based upon Pipedream's Fetish Fantasy Series Limited Edition feather nipple clamps.

To start off, they are absolutely adorable, and much more comfortable than I was expecting. The rubber tips made them easy to wear for a longer period of time, and the adjustable screw was definitely needed since it was my first time using clamps. One of the reasons I hadn't tried nipple clamps before was because they look intimidating  and, frankly, a little scary, but the feathers on these made them look cute, similar to booby tassels. My burlesque alter ego was definitely feeling them; maybe I'll even wear them for a show ;)

As for using nipple clamps in general, I definitely approve. It added a completely different sensation than what I'm used to. At first they felt strange, but once you get used to them they feel amazing. It was especially nice any time I moved around, because they would slightly tug and remind me I was wearing them. Because the stimulation was so strong, I couldn't cum; I was too focused on how they felt, but I'm not complaining! Afterwards, it does sting when you remove them, and your boobs might be a bit sore. Worth it!

Boyfriend's Rating:

He didn't try them on himself, but he loved them! Apparently your girl looks hot in them ;)

Make sure to follow Pipedream on their blog, Facebook page, and Twitter for toy updates.