Fetish Friday: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Happy fucking Friday, loves! Boy did I miss Fetish Friday; so much, in fact, it hurt. And speaking of hurting:

Today's Fetish: Phalloorchoalgolagnia

Phalloorchoalgolagnia, or cock and ball torture (CBT, as I'll refer to it, because fuck writing phalloorchoalgolagnia each time), is the act of abusing male genitals through squeezing, kicking, burning, biting, smacking, pulling, shocking, and other forms of torture.

I saw an example of CBT for the first time last week. One of my coworkers decided to put on some ball busting porn, and I was not disappointed. It's all recorded from a POV shot from the same guy, while he gets abused by three different women in multiple scenarios. The first sadist is an angry Asian woman who not only humiliates our enthusiastic masochist, but she repeatedly hits and kicks his genitals until they turn purple...purple! But that wasn't even the worst of it: the next lady is a German, so you know where this is going. Right off the bat, she BITES down, hard, on his shaft, leaving bite marks, while he repeatedly tell her to burst his nuts open. It gets worse, but I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

So there are a few toys that you can use in order to facilitate genital abuse. These include (Click the titles for images):

• Ball stretchers: This aid is pretty self explanatory. It's meant to stretch out your scrotum from 1-4 inches, and can be sold as metal rings or silicone sleeves. Just be careful with these, since they can cut off circulation quite easily.
• Ball crushers: Another self explanatory toy, crushers look pretty similar to the machines used for mammograms, except we don't cream ourselves over doctor visits (unless you're into that)
• Urethral Sounds: Typically used in Medical play (don't worry, we'll go over that next week), sounds consist of a metal probe, varying in width, that is meant to go up your peehole, boys. Once inside, you or your partner can use a tuning fork to strike the sound to make it vibrate.
• Parachutes: Similar to ball stretchers, parachutes have the added feature of a cute little parachute shaped leather cuff that squeezes and pulls your balls down.
• Humblers: Have you ever seen that bar that connects oxen together when pulling carts, or stocks used as punishment back in the day? That's what a humbler is, but for your balls. It essentially keeps the guy on his hands and knees, and any attempt to straighten out will not be pleasant.

So if all this talk about ball slappin' and dick munching is getting you going, there are a few places you might want to check out, such as forums, Tumblr (of course), porn sites, more porn sites, and even more porn sites.

Enjoy, please don't pop a nut, and go get your kink on!

Funny porn quotes

Hi guys! Sorry for the wait, I'm still getting used to posting again.

As I mentioned before, the new store I'm working at sells DVDs, so guess what I get to do all day. I've already mentally, and in some cases, physically,  tried out all the toys in the shop.

Eventually, I'm going to include a new section, Movie Mondays, where I'll review one of our featured masterpieces. If you're a fan of Fetish Friday and Toy Tuesday, hopefully you'll love Mondays too. As you know, I am here to please. Who knows when this section will happen though.

Until then, I've compiled a list of my favorite quotes uttered while in the throes of passion. This lusty lingo came from numerous DVDs ranging from gay porn, tickling fetish videos, and blow job bangs.

Without further ado, here they are:

• "I feel the cock. I am one with the cock."
• "You're gonna cum in my butt? You're gonna do that for me? You're an awesome dude." -One awesome dude to another awesome dude
• "You have the cutest rear end."
• "You are such a devil. You wicked thing."
• "Did you get my stromboli?" "Yeah I got your stromboli right here." *grabs crotch* (You can never go wrong with the classics. And this was followed by:)
• "That'll teach you to order only one stromboli."
• "Cock face fuck monger."
• (While sucking off a black guy and white guy at the same time) "Look, I got a face full of chocolate and vanilla." (Off screen) "How about some strawberry?"
• "Cock is better than any pork or beef I could ever eat!"
• "Let me show you how I work sausage." (What the fuck is up with all the food references?)
• "There you go, put it in your nostril."
• "If you can feel the chemistry while I'm skull fucking her, then you know I've fucked her before."
• "I heard she's British, so we should serve some tea...some tea bags." (Zing! He came up with that one by himself and everything)
• "Some people say black guys' cum tastes like chocolate, but I don't know what they're talking about because there's no chocolate coming out of a black guys dick. "
• "Gosh, I am so horny right now, it's not even funny." (Did she get that from Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver up there?)

I'm Baaaaack

Well hello, ladies and gentlemen! I am back, and boy did I miss you.

And you, big, old, inflatable cocks. I missed you too.

The last time I posted was back in July for Toy Tuesday; quite a bit has changed since then. Back in May, I stopped working at the sex shop and moved on to work solely downtown at a couple bars. At the time, I thought I was done with the blog and adult industry in general, but fear not little darlings, I'm back with a slew of new stories, advice, and general kink for your reading pleasure.

I am now at a bigger and better store, and loving every pervy minute.

Every.Pervy.Minute.

Already, I've met some interesting patrons, and I'm quickly learning the correlation between white sneakers and video arcades.

What's that? Oh, I didn't mention the video arcades? Yup. This new store has arcades. For those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, no, I don't mean video games (although that would be AWESOME), I mean booths where men come in between running errands and picking their kids up from cello lessons to watch videos and masturbate. Thankfully, I don't have to clean up after them; we have a jizzmonger who comes in and deals with that for us. However, I'm not off scott-free; I still have to clean up around the store, including the DVD section. My first day back, I was sorting through some movies while my manager was chatting with a customer, and without a thought, nonchalantly asked, "Where does the interracial porn go?"

Ahh...it's good to be back.

(Btw. For those of you wondering, the interracial porn goes next the Asian assfucking, above the Big Black Women videos)

Toy Tuesday: Harness

Hi guys! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've written. Sorry about that! Let's get right onto Toy Tuesday, shall we?

The folks at Pipedream Products were nice enough to send me one of their Fantasy Harnesses, so here goes. (This review will stick to position facilitators and restraints; it will not include strap on harnesses)

Today's Toy: Bondage Harnesses

Harnesses are a kind of restraint made for BDSM play, typically consisting of straps, ties, and/or adjustable cuffs. There are several variations of harnesses, such as swings, slings, or straps.

And don't worry lovers, these products can be used for men and women, and come in many different styles, to fulfill your every kinky need:

• Doggie Style Strap: A simple strap with, normally, a thicker center band and handles on each side for an easier grip. (Seriously, though? C'mon ladies, how hard is it to hold that ass up in the air?) My suggestion for its best use is while standing in the downward dog position.

• Sex Sling/Position Facilitator: Similar to the doggie-style strap, the sex sling is made to facilitate sexual positions. It has a simple design, consisting of ankle restraints and a simple band connecting the two.

• Standard Bondage Restraints: Standard bondage restraints serve a similar purpose as sex slings, but have a more complex design with added wrist cuffs and adjustable straps. These tend to be a little more difficult to use than the previous two models.

• Sex Swing: Remember how much fun it was to go to the playground when you were a kid and swing on the swing-set? This is the same thing, but better. It is set up exactly the same way as a standard swing with added stir-ups or handle bars so you don't fall off. Some swings come with additional straps to restrain further. Other variations are swings that hang from the ceiling, a stand, or from your doorway, as seen below.

When it comes to harnesses, take the same precautions you would with any other kind of restraints: Make sure to leave enough space for two fingers to go through the restraint, trust the person you are using these items with, and if you ever feel any numbness, remove the straps immediately.

Best thing about this equipment? You don't have to worry about their care. Just take down and store.

Difficulty to use:

Depending on the kind of harness being used, the difficulty can range greatly. Slings and doggie style straps are the easiest to use. As for harnesses with more straps and restraints, these can get pretty complicated.

Versatility: 

Although they pretty much do the same thing, there are a few variations on what kind of harness you can buy.

My Rating:

This rating will be for Pipedream's Fantasy Fetish Harness.

The product itself is very well made. The straps are very resilient, and the collar and cuffs are very comfortable. They have velcro adjustable straps, facilitating the tightness of the fit, as well as faux fur lining.  I also love the multiple rings for adjusting the positioning of restraints. Despite my favor towards the product, here's why I only gave it three and half lips as a rating:

The harness was easy enough to put on, but my boyfriend and I decided to get creative with it and added ankle cuffs to the mix...Don't do this. We attempted to try out a "hog tying" position. Not only was it awkward to fuck in, my legs went numb after a few minutes. He tried to flip me over so maybe we could try it doggy-style, but again, it was not happening. Overall, it was kind of a disaster.

I liked the harness itself, but the overall experience (or I should say, inexperience) knocked it down a rating and a half.

Boyfriend's Rating: 

On the other hand, he absolutely loved it.

For more updates on Pipedream's toys, visit their blog, Facebook page, and Twitter.

Toy Tuesday: Clitoral Vibrators

Hi guys! A few months ago, I wrote a Toy Tuesday review about G-spot vibrators and their general care and maintenance. However, some ladies, myself included, prefer external to internal stimulation. So, here you go.

Today's Toy: Clitoral Vibrators

Clitoral vibrators are vibrating toys meant for external use. They are meant to massage the clit and surrounding areas, not for penetration. Because of their size and use, these toys will sometimes have a more discreet design than the internal vibrator. Some designs include lipstick, rubber duckies, cell phones, nail polish, and shotgun bullets.

Made with women in mind, some clit stimulators lend themselves to both sexes, since they are small and easy to use. When looking for the right vibrator, there are two main types, manual and hands-free. Within those types, here are some of the most popular styles:

• Bullet: Possibly the most popular type of clit vibrator, the bullet is a small, hand-held toy. Its simple design, versatility and easy use makes it a top seller. You can choose to use the bullet by itself or use with attachments such as panties, hollowed out strap ons, or cock rings. The basic bullet has three control options: wireless remote controlled, remote controlled, and button controlled (seen below). Speed and pulse options vary from toy to toy, some ranging from 3 speeds to 6 or more, plus varying pulses. Pipedream's Le Reve line has great bullets, as well as the famed Silver Bullet.

• Pocket Rocket: This is the name of am extremely popular vibe sold at stores. Pocket rocket is just a brand name, but it'll get the job done; if you ask for a Mini-Mite, it's the same thing. This is the easiest toy to change batteries; it takes one AA battery and switches on and off with a twist. The downside is it only has one speed, but the upside is that it normally comes with exchangeable heads for different sensations.

• Butterfly Harness: The butterfly harness is a hands-free model that a woman wears around her waist and hips. The vibrating part consists of a bullet tucked into a jelly or silicone sleeve in the shape of a butterfly, flower, or other small animal, and the straps are adjustable. This model allows you to move around during sex without having to worry about adjusting the toy. I always say it's the female version of the cock ring.

• Vibrating Panties: Essentially a bullet hidden in underwear, vibrating panties are the perfect idea for couples who want to be discreetly naughty in public. Older models with contain bullets that have a control box attached, while newer, more popular models have wireless remotes. The panties themselves have a small pocket in the center to hold the vibrator. A fun model I would suggest trying out is Ohmibod's Club Vibe vibrating panties. They have three settings: Ambiance (when in a club, it will pick up the sounds of the speakers and vibrate to the beat of the music), Ipod (as long as it's instrumental, it will also go to the beat of the music), and Regular vibrator (works just like a normal bullet). Sorry this is coming right after EDC, I'm pretty sure I heard 10,000 raver chicks cream themselves. Don't worry, there will be plenty of other raves for you to slut it up at.

• Magic Wands: This manual vibrator is much larger than the other options on this list and one of the only ones that plugs into the wall. Very similar to a regular back massager, they are often marketed in mainstream retail stores as such. Because they are electrically wall powered, they produce a much more powerful vibration than its battery powered counterparts. Massagers will also sell attachments separately made of silicone or rubber to allow penetration. Two popular models are the Hitachi and Wanachi.

• Finger Vibes: If you prefer a more hands on approach for diddling your skittle, maybe you'll appreciate this toy. Finger vibes are bullet shaped vibes encased in rubber, plastic or silicone sleeves, regularly covered in ridges or bumps, that encircle the finger with an elastic or fitted band. Kind of like a cock ring for your digits. Easy to use and varying in speeds and pulses.

• Vibrating Cock Rings: A type of cock ring that has one or two bullets on either side of an elastic band. Worn over a penis shaft.

When using a clitoral stimulator, it's all about warming up. Start with other erogenous zones normally overlooked, like your nipples, inner thighs or happy trail. Work your way towards the clitoris; if you head directly towards it, the vibrations may be uncomfortable or too intense, and will make it more difficult to get off. Alternate between speeds and vibrations until you hit a pattern you like. If you are trying to use it on your man, I suggest trying it on their scrotum or taint. They might be uncomfortable with it at first, but once they get over the initial taboo of it, they'll love it.

Do not try to insert the toy inside your vagina. These toys are meant for external use only. External walls are ok, but once you start to go inside, the toy could get stuck. You can of course finger it out, but that'll definitely kill the mood.

For specific care instructions, refer to the care post mentioned above. For the most part, external vibrators are easy to take care of. Make sure to wash after every use with warm water and non-scented, anti-bacterial soap, take batteries out to prevent leakage, and store in a dark, cool place. Done.

Difficulty to use:

It's all about knowing your body. Clitoral vibrators are very simple to use, and their is enough variety in models to choose the one that you prefer using the most.

Versatility:

As seen above, there are plenty of styles and models to choose from. Hands free or manual, small or large, some even offer internal attachments; there is a vibe out there for everyone. The fun part is figuring out which one you like best.

My Rating:

Let's just say, I've never had a bad experience with my clit vibrators.

Boyfriend's Rating:

He loved the vibrating cock ring, saying it felt "Aaaamazing"