Minors

Holy Hangover! How was everyone's St. Patty's Day? Mine was a blast, but it's a shame I didn't get to see you guys downtown! Hopefully you remember nothing from last night. ;)

On another note, with the weekend and partying being over, I'm back at work. The best part of working during St. Patrick's Day was that I didn't have to deal with annoying, unoriginal little 8th graders. Yes, I deal with annoying, unoriginal 20-somethings normally, but at least they can buy me drinks to seem more interesting. The 8th graders? They offer nothing to society, but I still have to deal with them.

Now, I have nothing against kids; I really like them, in the right context. I was a nanny before I started working here, and being the eldest of 9 cousins, I've always been great with them. What I don't like are smart ass middle-schoolers coming near or into the shop. And boy, do they try to come in to the shop. It's gotten to the point that I know them all by face. Today, I had the pleasure of having one brat come in, who I've repeatedly kicked out, asking if we sold candy. I told him no, that he knew what kind of store this was and that he had to leave. Jr. Dipshit ignored my request, and continued to walk into the store. It wasn't until I threatened to bring out the owner that he left screeching because I said he was in a sex shop.

So I thought I'd share all the other wonderful encounters I've had with these prepubescent shit stains.

• My encounters with these douchebags-in-training used to be few and far between, but began growing to be much more frequent because they keep trying to get a reaction from me, that I have yet to give them. But in the beginning it was just a group of 4 kids who would skateboard by the shop and giggle at the window displays.
• Soon enough, they started multiplying and their balls must have dropped, because they started being brave enough to come in. The first time, I kicked them out and they all left in a fit of giggles; all except one. This brave adventure, clinging fiercely to his backpack, snuck in and actually sprinted all around the store while I had to chase him. After concluding his reenactment of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Dildo, he ran out the door yelling "I saw everything!!".
• Speaking of declarative sentences, their absolute favorite thing to yell out, which they do, often, is "PENIS!" Any time they roll on by, I am treated to high pitched prepubescent squeals for dick. Now I know how Justin Bieber feels, and it sucks.
• There was one instance where one of them attempted to make up for his friends' stupidity. When the horde of hormone-infested mongrels decided to stand outside the shop and remind me, very loudly, that we sold "penises", one little shining light apologized with "Please excuse my friends, they like you." Just what I need. Unfortunately for them, my pedophilia does have it's limits, and my cut-off age is 19-20 year olds...maybe 18.
• Finally, what I believe was a fucking field trip, 15 of these kids seriously hung out in the door jamb, looking at the x-rated gift bags and making asinine questions and remarks. "Do you sell any dildos?" No.  We run an underground Girl Scout cookie ring. "Look at all those penises!! Hey! Come look at the penises!! HAHAHAHA". Then after proudly being kicked out, they metaphorically walked into the sunset while putting on sunglasses and fist-pumping the air before freezing on camera.

I swear, next time I'm just going to let the mini-fuckers come in and call the cops on them, just to see them shit themselves in fear. Or better yet, maybe I can befriend them and then call their parents and let them know what their kids are up to. No, you know what? I'll just round them all up and feed them to the hobos, Hansel and Gretel style. Yeah...that'll do just fine.

Fetish Friday: Maiesiophilia

Happy Friday everyone! Thank God for the weekend. Make sure you guys come down to the Gaslamp and celebrate St. Patty's Day with me. I'll be there with my riding crop in tow ;)

Monday, Ariana and I worked together, and as you know, we're always up to no good. This time, we decided to go on craigslist and see what we could find on casual encounters. Among the gems we found were this post for office romance, and this. I don't know what the fuck that last one was. But best of all, we found a man so selfless, he was willing to give love to all those pregnant women out there who weren't getting any at home.

It's like watching a horny Santa Claus at work.

So here's today's fetish:

Today's Fetish: Maiesiophilia

Maiesiophilia (read: may-see-oh-fee-lee-a) is the sexual attraction to pregnancy, in any of its stages. Apparently, it's a pretty popular fetish, because I found a ton of information about it, including tumblr accounts, porn sites, forums, blogs, and a of course, a Facebook page. Though the most popular representation of maiesiophilia is a pregnant woman with a large belly, many maiesiophiliacs are attracted to the lifestyle as a whole. This fetish lends itself to many other variations that include impregnating a woman, childbirth, lactation, the protruding belly itself, and pregnancy cravings. Porn will include dressed or nude models, either having sex or just being pregnant.

Because of how versatile this paraphilia is, there are many outlets for any fetishist to get his freak on. They can either have sex with a pregnant woman (see above, he's got the right idea), they can read erotic literature, look at photographs, watch videos, or role-play. For some men, role-play can be as satisfying as the real deal; it can be as easy as protruding your belly, claiming to have strange cravings (pickles and ice-cream anyone?), or saying key phrases like, "i'm eating for two now".

Thanks to Demi Moore's infamous 1991 Vanity Fair cover, the taboo surrounding pregnancy and sexuality  was addressed and pregnant women were now free to feel sexy in public. After that, many stars including Claudia Schiffer, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears, who was further immortalized in this state by artist Daniel Edwards, have graced the covers of numerous magazines in the buff, glowing and proud of their bodies. Even Alan, from Two and a Half Men, admitted to being a maiesiophiliac on the show.

So for all you mommies-to-be, no fear, there is someone, somewhere that is dying to meet you and make sweet, sweet, passionate, nasty (in the good way), love to you. Anytime you get upset about muffin tops, stretch marks or swollen ankles, remember:

So before I go, here is even more info, because, really, why not? Seriously. There is a ridiculous amount of pregnancy porn on the internet. Now go get your kink on!

I guess some guys like their pregos active

St. Patty's Day

Happy Thursday everyone! We're almost there! One more day.

I know St. Patrick's Day isn't until Sunday, but I know you all have some fun ideas planned for it already. If you don't, you should come downtown to the Gaslamp's Block Party; I'll be there rocking my green outfit and matching shamrock crop from Leg Avenue.

In the spirit of drunken Irish shenanigans, I thought I would share a picture of a friendly leprechaun that came by to visit our lovely shop.

...Have I mentioned how ridiculous my job is? See you tomorrow for Fetish Friday!

Toy Tuesday: Collars

Yay Tuesday! Thankfully, I get the day off tomorrow, so I'm feeling pretty invigorated. Let's hop to it shall we? You know what's coming next.

Today's Toy: Collars

This one is actually pretty obvious. If you have a dog, you've most likely used one in your life. Some people like to collar their loved ones. Collars originated with slaves, and have been used since men first started conquering lands. In the BDSM community, they are a staple for many. They symbolize ownership and submission, and in some Dom-Sub relationships, they can equal to a wedding band.

The great thing about collars is that they are non-disciminatory. They can be used by both and women, and unlike an article of clothing, can be worn people of any size. Like clothing, though, they come in a variety of styles and materials:

• Play/Regular Collar & Leash: Looks very similar to a dog collar. Basic collar with snaps or velcro closures. I used Pipedream's Fantasy Fetish collar and leash, a good choose for beginners. These collars, as well as the others on this list, come in any material, including metal (mostly stainless steel), leather (the most popular), PVC, rubber, and, like mine, suede. Some collars include linings made of softer materials such as fur, silk, and again, suede.

• Training Collar: A training collar is much more delicate, akin to a choker necklace. This is to accustom the submissive to wearing a collar. Many D&S (Dominate and Submissive) couples use this as a representation of their long-term commitment. Here is where the collar can equal a wedding ring. Once a relationship reaches this stage, a Dom might choose to put a lock on the collar to establish ownership and loyalty.

• Bondage Collar: Pretty much the same thing as regular collars, but they come with adjustable straps and accessories such as D-rings, buckles, straps, and/or hooks.

• Lockable Collar: Same concept as the bondage and play collars but they can be locked, either at the front or back. A popular version of this collar is the stainless steel model.

• Wolf Collar: Originally used to protect dogs from wolves, wolf collars are growing in popularity with the BDSM community. However, as you can see below, these collars can be dangerous, so should be used with care. Some manufacturers have begun putting blunt or plastic tips on their spikes to diminish accidents.

• Neck Corset: These collars are, in my opinion, the most elegant of the bunch, and highly desired in the corset community. Similar to their torso counterparts, neck corsets are meant to force proper posture and elongate the body. They are commonly made from leather, and include boning, but unlike regular corsets, have softer laces to prevent over-tightening. Some corsets go up over the lips and look similar to neck corsets, but are in fact called mouth corsets.

• Collar and Clamp Set: This collar, like the neck corset, doesn't really lend itself to leashes, although there are some varieties that include a hook for that purpose. This collar is meant for the wearer to not only receive pleasure from the submissive nature of the collar, but also the nipple clamps. In some cases, genital clamps are included as well.

Earlier in BDSM history, only the Sub would wear the collar to inform others of their status, but nowadays, both Dom and Sub might choose to wear them to symbolize their loyalty to each other.

When using a choker or collar, you should always know and trust the person who will be in control. Chokers are a lot of fun, but they should be used safely. In the BDSM community, and anywhere really, it is good etiquette to ask permission from the sub before collaring. Putting the collars on should be fairly easy. If it is a lockable version, make sure to keep the key nearby.

The collar should never be too tight, the collared party should be able to breath easily, unless you are engaging in erotic asphyxiation, in which you should be even more careful. If you are using a leash with the collar, don't pull too hard. If the person cries out in pain stop immediately. Always establish a safe word if necessary.

To maintain your collars, know what material you are dealing with first. Leather requires a little more care, while metal can just be sanitized in boiling water for 2-3 seconds, or with rubbing alcohol. Nylon and suede can be thrown in the washing machine, and PVC and rubber just need to be rubbed down with warm water and anti-bacterial soap.

Difficulty to use: 

The one I used had a velcro enclosure, so it was a piece of cake. I upped the rating for the ones with buckles.

Versatility: 

There are so many options to choose from!

My Rating: 

I loved wearing a collar, I thought it was sexy as hell. My boyfriend and I sometimes dabble in amateur BDSM, so this was the perfect amount of naughty. I would like to try other collars, just to see if I like them more. We didn't delve into the Dom-Sub aspect fully, but I liked the taste that I got.

Boyfriend's Rating: 

Of course he liked it. In his words, and I'm paraphrasing, his favorite part was pulling on it during doggy-style.

Though Wikipedia gets a lot of slack for not being a reliable source, in this case, they are spot on with a deeper explanation of collars and their subculture. It's a good read if you wish to get more info on the subject.

If you would like to buy collars, Bondage Fetish Store has a vast selection, and Eternity Collars specializes in luxury products.

For more info on collars and their lifestyles: 1, 2, 3, 4

Damn. Maybe I should have done a Fetish Friday segment on it ;)

Erotic Eric (Part 4)

Last night, Ariana and I were discussing how sad we were that Erotic Eric hadn't called on Friday (although on a side note, some pervert did call and talked to Tati, who thought it was Eric. I asked him and it was not. Tati's on her own on that one). We were also disappointed that Jack-off Jason no longer calls, so we did what concerned employees do and put ads on craigslist. We posted one for Jack-off and one for Erotic. 

In case you can't see the link

Today, I was, once again, graced with Erotic Eric's conversational skills. He was feeling chatty today, so i took advantage and asked him a few questions the girls at the shop and I had. I learned:

• He works in construction
• He doesn't troll craigslist for hook-ups because he doesn't want to get tangled up with prostitutes
• Prefers to use Adult Friend Finder
• Didn't get his first blow job until he was 18
• Calls a sex line, where the girl's motto is "young, blonde, and dumb" and "the more you call me dumb, the more I cum"
• Goes to Thad's, a swingers' club. I think I might have mentioned it in a previous post, but I can't find it. He said he likes to go to Thad's because people gather around him, and girls cheer him on while he jacks off. No guys though

Speaking of no guys, Eric told me he's only had one close encounter with a guy. This was back when he was 19, so he was still living at home. He drove out to park in front of a Jr. high school after hours so he could smoke pot and drink, when a 13 year old kid came up to him and asked him for some pot. Eric didn't feel comfortable because the kid was so young, but relented once the kid promised to share some of his own pot with him. While they were smoking, the kid asked if he wanted to get his dick sucked. Thankfully, Eric is not that kind of pervert and walked away from the situation immediately.

On another note, although he said he was a one woman man, he is not a one-store man. I guess he likes to call other shops besides ours, and I'm slightly wounded by the fact. I thought we had something special, but alas, it was not meant to be. He also likes to talk to the employees at another sex shop downtown. I won't name names, but it starts with a B. Apparently, he talks to three of the employees there but none of them know that the others talk to him. Eric is quite the lady-killer. He has actually gone down to their store to use their arcades (something I thank everyday that we don't have), and got caught by one of the girls in mid act. While jacking off, he called one of the girls and told them he left his wallet in the booth. When she went in to retrieve it, lo and behold, Eric was in mid stroke. Sneaky bastard.

He also used to call the Hooters in the Gaslamp to talk to one of the waitresses specifically. He also met up with this girl at a bar when she was with her boyfriend. She had given him her cell phone number and they met up in the parking lot of the bar she was at, where she selflessly helped him cum. I guess I'm just not a giver, because I refuse to meet up or give him my number.

Sadly, our conversation was cut short because someone rang his doorbell. I guess perverts have house guests too.

Click for Parts 1-2, 3 and the finale