Minors

Holy Hangover! How was everyone's St. Patty's Day? Mine was a blast, but it's a shame I didn't get to see you guys downtown! Hopefully you remember nothing from last night. ;)

On another note, with the weekend and partying being over, I'm back at work. The best part of working during St. Patrick's Day was that I didn't have to deal with annoying, unoriginal little 8th graders. Yes, I deal with annoying, unoriginal 20-somethings normally, but at least they can buy me drinks to seem more interesting. The 8th graders? They offer nothing to society, but I still have to deal with them.

Now, I have nothing against kids; I really like them, in the right context. I was a nanny before I started working here, and being the eldest of 9 cousins, I've always been great with them. What I don't like are smart ass middle-schoolers coming near or into the shop. And boy, do they try to come in to the shop. It's gotten to the point that I know them all by face. Today, I had the pleasure of having one brat come in, who I've repeatedly kicked out, asking if we sold candy. I told him no, that he knew what kind of store this was and that he had to leave. Jr. Dipshit ignored my request, and continued to walk into the store. It wasn't until I threatened to bring out the owner that he left screeching because I said he was in a sex shop.

So I thought I'd share all the other wonderful encounters I've had with these prepubescent shit stains.

• My encounters with these douchebags-in-training used to be few and far between, but began growing to be much more frequent because they keep trying to get a reaction from me, that I have yet to give them. But in the beginning it was just a group of 4 kids who would skateboard by the shop and giggle at the window displays.
• Soon enough, they started multiplying and their balls must have dropped, because they started being brave enough to come in. The first time, I kicked them out and they all left in a fit of giggles; all except one. This brave adventure, clinging fiercely to his backpack, snuck in and actually sprinted all around the store while I had to chase him. After concluding his reenactment of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Dildo, he ran out the door yelling "I saw everything!!".
• Speaking of declarative sentences, their absolute favorite thing to yell out, which they do, often, is "PENIS!" Any time they roll on by, I am treated to high pitched prepubescent squeals for dick. Now I know how Justin Bieber feels, and it sucks.
• There was one instance where one of them attempted to make up for his friends' stupidity. When the horde of hormone-infested mongrels decided to stand outside the shop and remind me, very loudly, that we sold "penises", one little shining light apologized with "Please excuse my friends, they like you." Just what I need. Unfortunately for them, my pedophilia does have it's limits, and my cut-off age is 19-20 year olds...maybe 18.
• Finally, what I believe was a fucking field trip, 15 of these kids seriously hung out in the door jamb, looking at the x-rated gift bags and making asinine questions and remarks. "Do you sell any dildos?" No.  We run an underground Girl Scout cookie ring. "Look at all those penises!! Hey! Come look at the penises!! HAHAHAHA". Then after proudly being kicked out, they metaphorically walked into the sunset while putting on sunglasses and fist-pumping the air before freezing on camera.

I swear, next time I'm just going to let the mini-fuckers come in and call the cops on them, just to see them shit themselves in fear. Or better yet, maybe I can befriend them and then call their parents and let them know what their kids are up to. No, you know what? I'll just round them all up and feed them to the hobos, Hansel and Gretel style. Yeah...that'll do just fine.