Funny Bums

Good Morning! I went on a little hiatus since my mom is in town, but I'm back at work and back on the blog. Today, my mom decided it would be fun to come to work with me today so she can experience the glamour that is working at a sex shop. However, she went to get some food at a nearby McDonald's and got to meet some of our neighborhood's finest. At McDonald's, she met a nice vagrant that asked her to watch his luggage. She, being Costa Rican and incapable of being impolite, agreed, not knowing that that in bum speak that means "We are now best friends". After he came back, he thanked her by engaging her in small talk, but she was quickly rescued by her husband calling on Skype. While skyping, she thought this would let the man know that their interaction was over. But no, beach bums are a restless, friendly kind of people. What does he do? He joined in the conversation by poking his head in the background and waving to my unsuspecting stepdad. Needless to say, she finally got a taste of the joyous experience I have everyday. So here are the top six bum stories of today. Some are locals, some are just so insane they had to make the list. I give you, sex shop bums:

1. The first on our list is a guy who is no longer allowed in the store. He was a regular back when I worked nights. He was deaf and partially blind due to a surfing accident 7 years back; he was also mildly mentally challenged. He would come in at random times of the night, reeking of cigarette smoke and spend hours (literally, hours) in the DVD room. He was nice for the most part and I liked talking to him for a couple minutes while I rang him up, but soon grew weary of him since he would stand at the register for 15-20 just talking to me. Why was he banned from our store? He liked to yell out profanities at the customers. And by the way, he did not have Tourette Syndrome, he just loved to yell out. Such gems include:
• "I like nipples!!"
• "Pussy tastes good!"
• "I love finger fucking!"
• "Nice Ass!"
• "Tits! HAHAHAHA!
2. This gentleman, is the kindest, most engaging vagrant on this list. This is a man who fell on hard times, was an alcoholic, unfortunately lost his family and decided to live on the street. He has been sober for a while now and stops by on his way to the gym almost every morning, although his visits have been less frequent lately. He calls himself "the sexy tan man with a plan". He loves to work out, eat healthy and drink protein shakes, which leads to him being very, very fit. He lives on the beach, so he is very tan and has a white mohawk. Every morning, he would come in and tell me what he was having for lunch that day and what his plans were. He loves women. Like seriously LOVES them. During his visits he talks about how women are goddesses and how they should be treated as such; they are perfect in every way and he loves to worship them as he makes love to them. Guess who he decided is worthy of his worshiping? Ariana. He loves her. Every time he comes in, he asks for her and is genuinely disappointing when she's not working. He stops and talks to her about his family and he has gone through his son's Facebook with her. In short, Ariana has a fan.
3. This guy comes in maybe three times a month for DVDs. He doesn't buy them, he doesn't steal them; he just likes to look at the covers. He will spend hours in there just looking at covers and pining for the actresses. He comes in with a massive duffle-bag every time and just leaves it on the counter. At first, I seriously thought he came in to steal, but he just really likes looking at porn covers. I also thought that he was confined to the immediate beach area, but when I was shopping with a friend in Mission Valley, he came into Spencer's. Just my luck, he recognized me. I don't feel awkward often, but that definitely made my list, and he made this one.
4. This gem wasn't a regular, but she made it on my list anyway. I was minding my own business, working at the register, when this crazy older lady stopped right in front of my door and just angrily stared me down. She was dressed in rags and was holding a cup of water. I was helping out a customer so I paid no attention to her crazy-ass, as I am well used to crazy bums that walk by and through my door. Seeing she had no effect on me, she proceeded to slur at me, call me a slut and a whore, and then threw water at me. Luckily, it only hit the floor, but I had to chase her out of the store. Thankfully, she never came back.
5. Then, there was another woman who would come in, high on meth of heroine and ask to use our phone. We are not allowed to do this but as a favor to her so she could get a ride, I believe Ariana lent it to her. She spent 10 minutes on the phone talking about anything but a ride. Then she asked if she could take the phone to the bar next door. The next time she came in, she asked me the same thing. I told her that she could make one quick phone call and that was it. After she kept abusing her non-existent priviledges, I told the girls to not let her use it anymore. Well, she came in when poor Michelle was working and asked to use the phone again. After Michelle told her she wasn't allowed to lend out the phone anymore, the woman told Michelle where she could shove the phone, that she was going to hell and that she was going to bomb the store and everyone in it. Meth. Not even once.
6. Speaking of meth, this bum has to be the funniest one. He would come in, freshly picked scabs and all, and use our store computer kiosk to check his Facebook. At first, I didn't have an issue with this, but soon he started to come in just to use our computer and then would utter belligerent comments and rants to our customers. I had to ban him, but he did not take this lightly. Every night around the end of my shift he would stand right outside the door and would say the dumbest things to draw attention to himself. "I'm addicted to masturbating!" "It's your fault, why do you sell this stuff?" "Can I have a pocket pussy? All I can think about is jackin' off". The last thing he said to me before I threatened him with the cops for the last time was "Do you have any steroids for my dick?" Of course Ariana found this very entertaining, since she revels in my random bum misfortunes. After I shooed him away from the door, he stood outside the window display and stared a customer down until she left. Just randomly, he had no issue with this woman, he just likes to harass people. And he always finds me. Always....Always.